Essays
The views expressed herein are Alex's own and do not in any way reflect reality.
- Determining Whether Gravity Moves at the Speed of Light
Even more boring and less enjoyable than the prior essay on the speed of gravity. Again, I couldn't stop thinking about it and I needed to get it out of my head and into the world. And it does explain a possible method for determining if gravity really does move at the speed of light.
- What I Love About College Football
There are a lot of things I love about college football, but this is at least one of the things I love about that stupid sport.
- The Speed of Gravity
It's boring and you're not going to enjoy it. It's me talking a lot about topics I don't understand. But when I figured out why gravity should move faster than light, I would have gone nuts if I didn't put it out there somewhere.
- College Football Preview 2007: Issues, Part II
As it turns out, I had a little more to say about college football. Especially after two very interesting weeks for a couple of programs. I think you know what I'm talking about.
- College Football Preview 2007: Other Issues
Just a few items of note as the season begins. There is much that is in limbo as the season starts, though this season will probably not be enough to settle many of these issues.
- College Football 2007 Premortem
Hey, I've been busy, okay? And I was plum worn out after taking on global warming. Or global climate change. Or whatever they are now calling, "Weather sure isn't like it used to be, back when I was your age."
- Global Warming Addendum
Unfortunately, I was not as finished with global warming as I had hoped. I hope I'm done this time, but I've got a bad feeling I'm not quite done yet.
- Global Warming --or-- CO2 is A-OK (A Three-Part Series)
Just in case you thought I was kidding about the articles I backburnered for the college football midcap. If you want the terminally long, terminally boring one-page version, click here.
- Getting to Know Uranus
Just spreading some simple science facts about the 7th planet from the sun.
- College Football 2006 Midcap
It was necessary to backburner essays on global warming, astronomy, sensible environmental policy, immigration, Katrina cleanup, technology, string theory, education, errors in Steven Hawking's thinking, and independent film to make sure this got out before the 8th week of the season got into full swing.
- Charlie Weis and Notre Dame
A long and unfunny essay that goes out of its way to say nothing. But I foreshadowed it in the college preview, so I might as well post it.
- 2006 College Football Preview
Preseason predictions are always wrong and Alex wants to be wronger.
- Feasting On The Flesh of the Invaders
An approach to the environment.
- This Is Not the Title of This Article
An article very similar to philosophy, only boring.
- Articles I Thought About Writing, But Didn't
A list of incomplete thoughts and bad ideas -- also incomplete and bad.
- Baby Boomers and Drugs
The vehicle and the fuel.
- Are GM and Ford Only Laying Off the People Who Put "Shitty" Into Their Cars?
There's a reason people like Alex refuse to buy American cars.
- What the Hell Am I Going to Do Without My Olympic Curling Coverage?
Alex enjoys the Olympics almost as much as he enjoys referring to himself in the third person.
- Of Course Frey Lied, He Wanted to Get Published, Didn't He?
There are not a million anythings in this title, even little ones.
- Really Want to Disprove Intelligent Design? Then Disprove Evolution.
Alex takes on one of the least interesting debates of our time.
- How Do We Know John Seigenthaler Sr. Didn't Kill Kennedy?
Can we really prove he didn't? In that case, let's put him on the list after the Masons and before the 4-H club.
- A God and Guns Christmas
Supporting Jesus and the NRA this Holiday Season.
- I'm Not Going to Talk About College Football
This article may be a lot of things, but it is definitely not about college football.
- Why Have College Football Playoffs? Everyone Already Hates Them.
Alex won't shut up about college football.
- Important Update: Americans Bored By Actual News
America has had enough of being informed.
- I Should Start a Blog
Why Alex should start a blog and be a blogger in the blogosphere.
- Why College Football Playoffs Are a Bad Idea (A Seven Part Series)
A very long consideration of playoffs and the reason why college football doesn't need them.
- What Idiot Would Watch ESPN Hollywood?
ESPN Hollywood is, like Spinal Tap, filling a much needed void.
- The BCS Is Out... Begin Bitching For No Reason
There's a reason Chicken Little is considered a bad role model.
- The Problem of Obnoxious College Football Fans
Alex talks about a problem that really isn't a problem.
- Observations From a New Clevelander
Alex observes Cleveland and is utterly indifferent about what he sees.
- One Ohio State Fan's Apology For His Conduct
Alex apologizes for something he said that was uncalled for.
- Open Letter to the City of Cleveland
The jokes will stop when Cleveland stops sucking.
- The Coming Season
Alex's annual paeon to college football.
- Offensive Mascots: Who are they Offending, Really?
A lot of drunk rambling about the NCAA's offensive mascot ban and the fact that it is White Man's Burden all over again. If you want to try to make sense out of it, go right ahead.
- If You Think Foreigners are Stealing American Jobs, Get Over Here and Mow My Lawn
Alex takes on concerns over globalization.
- Ohio State's Chances in 2005
Alex wrestles with himself over Ohio State's prospect in the coming college football season.
- A New Pleasure: X-Play
Yet more proof that Alex is a dork.
- Live 8's Message to the People of the World: You're All Useless
Live 8 served no purpose whatsoever.
- The New Entertainment
The new Star Wars movies suck and how that helps computer games.
- College Football 2004: The Landscape Shifts
A half-hearted analysis of the most interesting college football season of our time.
- Life's Too Short not to Watch Shit Blow Up on Television
Hell if I know what to make of this.
- God and Evil
The most dangerous philosophy in the history of man.
- The Earth is Flat. Prove Me Wrong
It's harder than you think.
- Why American Literature is Crap
An explanation of Alex's opinions on American literature. Hint: he doesn't like it.
- The Internet and Literature
Alex examines the future of the Internet and its effect on literature and he gets pissed off. Science is not sure why this happened.
- The Fifth BCS Bowl
Something is happening in college football and Alex has an opinion on it. Shocking, I know.
- The Big East Misses the Boat
...but Florida A&M isn't missing a thing. Of course, now that Florida A&M is delaying or, possibly, backing out of their petition to join I-A, they are rendering this essay entirely moot.
- ACC Chooses Poorly
Alex attempts to piss off half of college football. It was a slow day.
- Suction
The non-existence of suction cups, why physicists don't get many second dates, and how that relates to a conception of the soul and its ramifications for immortality.
- Mail-Order
A philosophy of Progress, grease monkeys, the future of marriage, and how to make a million dollars.
- Eulogy Upon Douglas Adams
A eulogy (or is it an elegy?) Alex wrote after the death of the beloved, lauded and altogether brilliant author, Douglas Adams. The world isn't the same without you, Doug.
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Creative Non-Fiction
Doesn't that sound so much better than, "What Alex Did on His Vacation"?
- Malta 2007
Ladies and gentlemen, the adventure has finally begun.
- One Last Look Back
Alex's beloved Ohio State Buckeye football team finally wins a National Title. On the drive home from Tempe, Arizona, Alex finds himself oddly depressed. Alex is a strange guy.
- Europe 2000
One idiot goes on holiday to see a friend get married. What could go wrong? Includes cricket, the gulag breakfast, Marching Season, and Thomas a-Becket.
- Europe 1999
Three idiots on vacation in Europe. Jerome K. Jerome would be proud. Relates the tales of the world's worst arrival in an airport, a tour of the scenic Red Light District, how John F. Kennedy became a donut, and flying buttresses.
Fictions
- The Rock Atop Cair Andros
Not the Cair Andros from Tolkienian myth, but a sort of fable. I couldn't remember the name of the rock that would either turn you into a poet or kill you, so I just went with Cair Andros because I liked the way it sounded. Also, I thought about writing this as a poem, but then I realized I really didn't feel like spending the time.
- The Legend of Wild Bill
A God-awful screenplay. I can't even stand to think about it, so I know it's ready. Also, it's about 20 pages too short. Oh well, it's not like it's going to turned into a movie anyway.
- The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy Screenplay
An adapted screenplay of the legendary novel. With all the respect and admiration of an almost lifelong Douglas Adams fan. The first few years, Alex was busy drooling, walking, and learning to read, but they still count against his total.
- Goodnight Manhattan
Alex wrote a long story that Alex doesn't know how to describe in terms of format or genre. Alex is fairly certain that he did make it up, though.
- Forgettably Memorable
A long, lost story from the halcyon days of Alex's first college career.
Poetry
Alex writes poetry with both meter and rhyme, so there is no way it will ever be considered good.
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