Dear God,
As You know, I become a Clevelander again a few years ago and, despite some moaning and whining on my part, I have come to some appreciation for the city that provided me with my wife, for whom You have my sincere thanks. And I have tried to bear up as well as I can under some of the more trying portions of this city that You have put into place, particularly the piles of snow that You regularly load on the city, as well as Your decision to cancel last summer. However, recent events have led me to feel that it is time for me, as a former and restored Clevelander, to speak for the rest of us toward Your recent decisions regarding the latest Cleveland sports team be brought to the edge of disaster. With that, the following:
God, I would like to most sincerely and earnestly apologize for whatever it is caused You to hate this You-forsaken place.
I suppose it might not be so bad if Cleveland actually knew what it did to invoke Your divine displeasure. Unfortunately, nobody seems to have any idea. Whatever it was, it seems to have started sometime in the mid- to late-sixties or so, as that was the last time any Cleveland team won a major championship. I furthermore assume that this is not related to the Curse of Colavito, as I think that the city of Cleveland is the only place that has any idea who on Your Green Earth Rocky Colavito is.
The city is in bad enough shape already. It is annually found at or near the top of the poverty rankings, industry has left and it is not coming back, large sections of the city are dedicated to the storage of old and useless manufacturing equipment, the population is leaving at a rate that is causing its own rush hour, and the city is run by corrupt idiots. At least Chicago is run by corrupt smart people, we get stuck with the morons. And now the entire city's future is staked on two things: a Medical Mart that has been put in a spot where it will be unattractive, inaccessible and useless, and a casino that will only serve to make Cleveland's poor that much poorer.
But the sports thing is really kicking the city where it hurts. Because this city loves its teams. Despite all the pain these teams have caused the city, Clevelanders love them anyway.
Even the most casual American sports fan is well-acquainted with the frustrations of Cleveland sports, so I will limit this to a brief rundown, rather than the point-by-point list that would cause me to forget something. The Browns' frustrations at the hands of the Broncos ruined many a fall Sunday in my formative years. And I was acquainted with the Cavs' annual defeat at the hands of the Bulls on Chicago's way on to win several championships. And I officially became fed up with this city's teams during the Indians annual disasters in the late '90's. It was not enough that each team lost; instead they had to lose in such a regular, yet ridiculous sequence of events and circumstances that, eventually, the only surprise was that anybody was surprised when everything went wrong. Again.
No I'm not counting the Cleveland Force's MISL championship, and I don't know that anyone else does either. Was that what you are angry about? Because we'll be more than happy to hang commemorative banners on every lightpole around the city if that will please You.
So now, as what is now the most famous elbow in sports lets down the city, it seems that history is about to repeat itself: an event of nonsensical improbability happens at just the right time and to just the right person to ensure that Cleveland blows it again. In fact, the only thing that was predictable about any of the ridiculous events was the fact that they would happen to a Cleveland team. It would be one thing if it were a rare occasion. But this pattern is written in letters too large to ignore.
I realize that other teams have been subjected to curses and hexes of various kinds. However, Cubs fans still had the Bears, Blackhawks, and Bulls to keep them interested. Red Sox fans could console themselves with the success of the Celtics, Bruins, and even the Patriots. Lions fans have had the Pistons, Red Wings, and Tigers to take their minds off of things. Cleveland has had no such respite in over 40 years, despite having three major-sports teams.
Okay, I'm whining a lot. Is that it? I'll grant that Cleveland fans are pretty whiny... especially since Clevelanders have a tendency to talk out of their noses. But I'll stop whining now. I just want to find out what this city did so that we can apologize for it, get this little misunderstanding cleared up, then move on.
Did we say something bad about Jesus? Or Muhammmed? Or Moses, Buddha, or Krishna? Did we insult the Pope or ignore a prophet or two? We are very sorry if we did and we would like to express our most sincere and devout apologies for any or all of those things.
So was it Dime-Beer Night? Was it the thing where the river caught on fire? Was it the rampant pollution? Or Dennis Kucinich? Did the Plain Dealer print a letter to the editor, "God is a fraudulent myth. Signed, All of Us P.S. The angels are fake too."? Because it wasn't actually from all of us. We're sorry if the newspaper did that.
If not for me, at least allow LeBron James and all his You-given talent to get a win for his home city so that he can leave it with a clean conscience and accept his accolades in a city that has actual media presence in something other than a punchline.
With all of that said, I reiterate my most humble petition for You to accept my apology on behalf of the city in which I live, for whatever it is that this city did to cheese You off so badly.
With All Due Humility and Reverence,
Alex