I was looking through the usual news sites this Thanksgiving weekend and, after seeing such headlines as Airports Crowded as People Travel for Thanksgiving, Busy Shopping Day on Black Friday, Violence at the Malls During Busy Shopping Day, Airports Crowded as People Travel Home and now People Sure are Shopping Online on Monday, it struck me: Americans are getting bored by actual news.
Sure, it's been a busy news year. Lots of the South was turned upside down by hurricanes, New Orleans all but disappeared from the map, we got into Greek letters to start naming storms and, pretty soon, we will be using indeterminate numbers to keep them straight (Euler's Constant raging off of Barbados). An earthquake hit Pakistan and America had to pretend to care about brown people for a week or so. Then, of course, you have the continuing violence in Iraq, Saddam Hussein's trial, and the unending news about gas prices and it has been a pretty busy year before now. But still, come on! Isn't there something important happening in the world?
Is it so much to ask that we get some sort of news that is actual news? Is there that little happening in the world that we have to be subjected to idiotic headlines that don't make a lick of sense? While I'm sure that Iraqis would like a break from daily suicide bombings, we don't need to put a spin on it that will make it relate to Americans who are stuffing themselves stupid with turkey.
Yes, the above headline really did come through this weekend. But I fail to see the connection. The only people in Iraq who actually noticed it was Thanksgiving were the troops who are over there. And they probably only noticed because they got turkey. Oh, and the fact that reporters were trying to ask every single one of them if they wished they were home for Thanksgiving. Gee whiz, what do you think they'll say?
Yeah, they do that. Of course, I actually noticed that when I drove by a gas station. Interestingly, there is one on just about every corner and I understand the concept of "greater than" and "less than".
If I have to hear one more goddamn word about Jessica Simpson and Nick Lachey, I'm sending Jim Lachey over to People Magazine with a tire iron. Here's an idea, let's stop putting out news on everything Nick and Jessica. And if anybody asks, we shoot them.
Since when has the Friday after Thanksgiving been called Black Friday? Don't we reserve the color black for stock market collapses? If the stock market collapses on a Friday, what are we going to call it now? Personally, I think we should use some of those colors that were, for some reason, popular in the '70's. "Dow Falls 2,000 Points on Puke Orange Friday". Now that's a headline that sticks in the memory.
By the way, there was an earthquake in Iran that leveled 7 villages and killed 10 people. How about a little more information about that quake, huh? That would have been nice. But I guess we need more dead foreigners. Presumably, the AP is working on it.
There has to be something happening in the world someplace. Or, if there isn't, why not report on that? Pretty Dull Out There would make for a nice headline. About the Same as Yesterday would work nice too. Personally, I'd like to pick up the morning paper and see a gigantic headline across the front: Yesterday's Paper Much More Interesting.
Back when New Orleans was waist deep in the Lake Pontchartrain, some schmoe at CNN asked whether people were getting weary of hurricane coverage. And he said that it was not important, since they were going to report on it. Of course, what he did not mention was that, once people were bored with hurricane coverage, don't worry, CNN would stop showing it. Needless to say, the folks in New Orleans aren't tired of it, since they would like to know that there is someone else in the city. I'm sure they'd even take reporters these days -- it's that lonely. Well, unless it's Geraldo.
The problem, however, is deeper than that. After all, the US has been dealing with enough news for the last couple of years. Even the bird flu can't keep people's interest. So how about we all take a break from the news for about a week, come back and see if anything has happened? That might be kind of nice. Then we might find out that the world is actually a fairly interesting place.
Or we might not. Then we'll be able to rest easy in the knowledge that we're not missing darned thing.