After a good day of inventing pseudo-philosophies and thinking about college football, I like to do what a lot of people like to do when they kick back and relax: I pretend to care about the environment. After all, if there's no environment, there won't be one and, as any environmentalist will tell you, that's bad.
One of those environment things that they always talk about is biodiversity. Somehow, the number of different types of animals in the world, especially in a given area, is absolutely vital and the more there are, the better. This is why we have to chop down the rainforests as quickly as possible - they're winning.
Now here's the part where it gets weird: you want to have as many different types of animals in one spot as possible, but putting new animals into new places is bad. Like really bad. Why? Because it's cheating and nobody likes a cheater.
This brings us to the problem. For a while there, people were just bringing over whatever they liked and now the scores are way out of whack from the time before everybody really agreed on the rules and scoring system. So now that other biomes are crying foul about adding a few extra points to the score (boo hoo, rainforests -- sour grapes if you ask me), something needs to be done to get scoring back under control.
Here in the greater Great Lakes area, one of the biggest bonus species (I think it's degrading to refer to them as "invasive species" -- It's probably from those specists in the rainforests) available in the waters is the zebra mussel. This little filter feeder is blamed for filter feeding and eating so much pollution that the homeless can't stay warm by setting the lake on fire any more. In fact, they probably even got all those useful syringes out of the water that could have been used by heroin addicts who are just going to share needles now and get AIDS. But anyway, the zebra mussel apparently has to go because it came from across the ocean and the Republicans don't want foreigners here.
So what can possibly be done to get rid of bonus species that are as numerous as zebra mussels? I mean they are everywhere in the lakes and there is just no getting rid of them. Which means we need something powerful that can change biomes the world over. Something that can wipe out entire populations of animals in, oh, a week or two. That's right, we're going to overfish the zebra mussels, then fry and eat them.
That's right, you want to clean up the environment, you'd better head on down to Big Al's Zebra Mussle Fry Up. They're pretty small, so you'd better grab a whole basket. Besides, you're American, might as well use your ability to overeat to save the world.
So grab a basket of zebra mussels and rescue the Great Lakes. There's a nice bighead carp and chips for people who don't like shellfish. What's that? You don't eat seafood? That's okay, we've got a nice mute swan breast sandwich with lettuce, tomato and mayonnaise on the side. That comes with onion rings or your choice of potato.
Who's overgrazing now, you bastards.
What's that? What's it like? How do we know it will taste good? It's deep-fried. Duh.
And the nice thing about this is that nobody has to feel bad about wiping out the entire species just because they can be easily breaded. Once they're gone, everything will be fixed and nobody has to feel bad about driving species to extinction in a particular area. They weren't supposed to be here in the first place and because of that, these animals deserve to die. Just ask Greenpeace.
I was going to go on to explain a sensible alternative to our current immigration policy, but I think I've already provided enough great ideas for one day.