Chapter 13

I rubbed my temples as Andrew stopped. The girl Andrew was telling me about was far different from the one I thought I knew.

A knock on the door interrupted my thoughts. Andrew walked up to answer it. I heard somebody ask, "Is Lori here?"

Andrew calmly replied, "Fuck off Ray," and slammed the door. Walking back into the room, he asked me, in a little better mood, "Where was I?" I guess telling Ray to fuck off would brighten anyone’s mood.

"After the ‘Yellowstone’ disaster."

"Ah, yes," Andrew continued, "’Yellowstone’. She received a failing grade for her thesis. Yes, that magnificent piece you heard on that recording received a failing grade because of the failure of the university’s symphony to play it properly. She tried to get the faculty to listen to the recording, but they informed her that they could not make an exception to school policy for her. That one horrible performance was the only one they would accept.

"Lori was hurt. No, ‘hurt’ isn’t the right word for it. More like shattered. The rest of the summer, she tried to compose, but nothing would come to her. Her confidence was gone and in its place was an impenetrable malaise she couldn’t shake off. It’s hard to see someone who deserves better fall into a funk like that. Hopefully you’ll never have the experience of seeing someone like that in such a state, because it was not easy to watch.

"I can’t remember how she came up with the idea of moving to New York, but into her head it entered. We talked about it and I was more than sorry to see her go, but she needed to get out of Bloomington, Indiana, despite the fact she hadn’t received her degree. I helped her pack, I helped her move, I helped her get her stuff into a shitty little efficiency here.

"I was finishing school as she tried to break into orchestras around New York. I graduated in the spring and moved in with Lori again.

"We weren’t exactly doing well from a financial standpoint, though things between us were as good as ever. Lori was making some attempts to get her music played and/or published, as well as trying out for various ensembles and orchestras. I was trying to break into orchestras and ensembles myself and, all the while, we were landing odd jobs in order to pay the rent. Neither of us could get into the major orchestras, so we were working in and out of a few temporary arrangements.

"Lori kept trying to get her work played, but it’s hard to get your orchestral music played when you’re not a male who has been dead for at least a hundred years. She kept throwing herself against those stone walls for several months until she became too disheartened to keep trying. She decided to just concentrate on playing the flute for a while, so that she would at least be in the music scene somehow."

Andrew spoke emphatically, "She was the one who first got into the chamber orchestra I’m in now. She introduced me to them when their cello player left. Through that orchestra, I made the connections to play in that string quartet I’m a member of now. If it wasn’t for her, I don’t think I would have gotten anywhere."

His point made, he lightened his tone as he continued, "Anyway, she played flute in a woodwind ensemble and the chamber orchestra and she was member of another wind ensemble as an oboist. Things had been going well for both of us when, through a series of connections that started with the Weddleman family, we met Hans, who really liked our respective groups and booked my string quartet for a tour through Germany and Austria in August and Lori’s woodwind ensemble for a similar tour in October.

"It was an offer neither of us could refuse. We were obviously excited... Europe for God’s sake! So, upon my departure date, I kissed her goodbye and headed off.

"On the whole, our string quartet had an excellent tour. Though we started a little slow, by the end of the tour we were playing to full houses. Everything looked like it was going great."

He slowly lit another cigarette and poured himself a tumbler of whiskey that he sipped on, "It’s funny, you know. When you date a woman like Lori, anything seems possible, like you are an unstoppable force. The world is at your fingertips and you just feel... invincible.

"That’s why it was no surprise when two of our company received invitations to try out for the Vienna symphony orchestra. I was excited when I phoned Lori to tell her the news and to tell her that they might have a few openings in the woodwinds later that year."

Andrew took a deep breath and let it out. "That was when she just told me that she couldn’t stand living like she was. She was tired of fighting from one infrequent check to the next. She said she was sick of living in shitty apartments and fighting for work and creating music that nobody wanted. She told me she just wanted to have a comfortable life and the way she was living at the time wasn’t doing it and didn’t look like it would ever do it. She told me to enjoy Vienna and to have a great time, but she was through.

"That was that. She was done with music and she was done with me. She wasn’t going anywhere and I was staying in Vienna.

"Except I wasn’t staying there at all. I messed up my tryout and that killed any chance I had at getting in with that orchestra. It was over, I was done, thank you for coming out, next please. I came back to New York, that much more defeated.

"I was hoping that the two of us could start up again, but she didn’t seem at all interested in me. It was hard, when I was living with her, to see her everyday and not have the same relationship we had before. Unfortunately, my name was on the lease and it was an apartment in New York. I needed to pay rent on something, so that was where I was stuck. That’s when things became the way they are now.

"It wasn’t until last year’s Europe trip that I came back to find her dating Ray. It hurt, but I kept my mouth shut. Just like I kept my mouth shut when she decided to stop composing. Just like I kept my mouth shut when she decided to stop playing music. I’m fed up with keeping my mouth shut. So, when she told me she was engaged, I just let it all out. I couldn’t stand the thought of her wasting that much more of herself and, Lord almighty, I told her exactly what I thought about that and a lot of other things.

"Lori isn’t the sort of girl you can give up on easily. On us? As a couple, there is no more us. There hasn’t been since Vienna. But her? She’s still got a world of talent to offer. And part of me had hoped for a long time that she would refind that potential she has. And I really thought she really was going to make her way back.

"I guess when you were figuring out my daily practice schedule, you hadn’t figured out that, on weekdays, between the hours of five o’clock and eight o’clock, I’m rehearsing someplace else with either the chamber orchestra or the quartet. That cello playing you heard between those hours wasn’t coming from me; it was Lori.

"She was never good with string instruments, she just never had a knack for them. But I had a suspicion that she was playing my cello. You confirmed it when you told me you heard some rather unskilled music coming from upstairs. It probably doesn’t mean anything to you, but it meant everything to me. I guess my believing in Lori wasn’t completely off the mark. Some part of her knew what she has and it was fighting to make itself heard. But now…" he trailed off into simply shaking his head. That exhausted look was back on his face. He was a man worn down by hoping too long for too much.

Andrew lit another cigarette off the stub burning in the ashtray and sipped at his drink. I looked at him, bewildered. It was like a light had been shown in my parent’s attic and I’d found a collection of Raphaels.

"Now?" I asked expectantly. It seemed like a good time for me to make my voice heard.

"Now." He seemed to roll that idea around his mind, as though trying to find a handle with which to pick it up the thought left lying there. "Now you should probably take off," Andrew told me. "Lori might be back soon and I’d just as soon you weren’t here. There’s no sense in you getting caught up in this."

"You’re probably right," I answered and slowly stood up to go.

"One more thing," Andrew told me, "I wish I could help her with the cello, but I don’t want her to be embarrassed by her playing. If she wants to talk about something, she talks about it; I think you know that. She’s keeping this hidden because she would sooner quit than have people find out she was playing an instrument poorly. That’s just her. So, please, don’t say anything. Just keep this one between you and me."

I nodded to him before leaving. I walked downstairs to my apartment and tried to figure out what to make of everything.