THE HITCHHIKER'S GUIDE TO THE GALAXY
by
Alexander C. Meske
Based upon the book by
Douglas Adams
INT. HUT NIGHT
MONGOL #1 and MONGOL #2 storm through the door. WOMAN stands
nervously at the far end of the room. OLD PEASANT MAN steps
forward, to have his head lopped off by MONGOL #1. Dog walks
up, panting happily. MONGOL #1 looks down and kicks the dog.
Dog yelps. KHAN walks in, followed by two more MONGOLS.
KHAN surveys the scene.
MONGOL #1 walks over to WOMAN and grabs her roughly. He drags
her in front of KHAN and throws her down.
KHAN
Does she know who I am?
WOMAN
You… You are the mighty Genghis
Khan!
KHAN
Does she know what I want of her?
WOMAN
I… I'll do anything for you, O
Khan! But, please, spare my life!
KHAN
Then begin.
WOMAN stands, then lays a tentative hand on the KHAN's arm.
MONGOL #1 slaps it away.
MONGOL #1
Not that!
WOMAN starts back, frightened. Then, WOMAN kneels on the
floor in front of Khan and starts undoing his belt.
MONGOL #1
(Pushing WOMAN down)
Stop that!
WOMAN stares up at MONGOL #1 with abject terror.
MONGOL #1
Well?! Ask the great Khan what
kind of day he's had!
WOMAN
W-W-W-What? I-I don't understand!
MONGOL #1
(Drawing his sword and
approaching WOMAN)
I said ask the great Khan what kind
of day he's had!
WOMAN
(Turning to KHAN)
Er… what… sort of… day have you
had?
MONGOL #1 pulls WOMAN up and puts his sword at her throat.
MONGOL #1
Dear! Say 'Dear'!
WOMAN
Er… What sort of day have you had…
dear?
KHAN sits down at the table and pulls out maps to study.
KHAN
Oh, the same as usual, violent.
MONGOL #1
(Releasing WOMAN)
Right. Go on.
WOMAN looks around confusedly, then kneels in front of KHAN
and attempts to spread his legs. MONGOL #1 pulls up WOMAN,
throws her against the wall.
MONGOL #1
I said stop that!
WOMAN slides down against the wall, sobbing. MONGOL #1 drags
her back in front of KHAN.
MONGOL #1
Be nice to him! Ask him how his
work's going!
WOMAN stares blankly at MONGOL #1. MONGOL #1 slaps her.
MONGOL #1
Just say to him, "How's the work
going, dear?"!
WOMAN
Er, How's the work going… dear?
MONGOL #1
(Shaking WOMAN)
Put some affection into it!
WOMAN
How… How's the work going, dear?
KHAN
(Sighs)
Oh, not too bad, I suppose. This
morning we swept through Manchuria
a bit and spilt quite a lot of
blood there. Then this afternoon
was mainly pillaging, though there
was a bit of bloodshed around half
past four. What sort of day have
you had?
WOMAN looks around at the other MONGOLs confusedly.
MONGOL #1
(Brandishing sword)
Go ahead! Tell him!
WOMAN
Er, my husband and father were
killed!
KHAN
Oh yes, dear?
WOMAN
The dog was kicked into the fire!
KHAN
Oh, er, really?
WOMAN
And… that's about it really…
KHAN
What? Sorry, dear, I was just
reading this…
MONGOL #1
Right! Nag him!
WOMAN
What?
MONGOL #1
Just say, "Look, Genghis, put that
thing away while I'm talking to
you. Here I am, I spend all day
slaving over a hot…"
WOMAN
He'll kill me!
MONGOL #1
He'll kill you if you don't!
WOMAN
(Throws herself in front
of KHAN)
Please! Don't torment me! If you
mean to rape me, then rape me, but
don't…
KHAN
(Rises to his feet)
No! You'd only laugh! You're just
like all the others.
EXT. VILLAGE NIGHT
Lines of MONGOLS stand outside the hut with torches. KHAN
strides angrily through them, mounts his horse and gallops
off, vanishing into the night. Sound of KHAN's horse
receding in the distance. Pause. Sound of KHAN's horse
returning.
KHAN
And burn down the village!
Flurry of activity by MONGOLS.
EXT. PLAIN ABOVE ANOTHER VILLAGE DAY
Burning huts in the distance. KHAN and OGDAI on horseback
survey the scene.
KHAN
What battle was that?
OGDAI
(Rattling his sword)
It was the battle of Samarkand, O
Khan!
KHAN
Oh, I just can't tell the
difference any more. Did we win?
OGDAI
Yes! Yes! It was a mighty victory
indeed!
OGDAI practices thrusting motions with his sword.
KHAN
Oh, dear. After twenty years of
these two-hour battles I get the
feeling that there must be more to
life, you know.
(Pulls up his tunic and
stares down at his belly)
Here, feel this. Do you think I'm
putting it on a bit?
OGDAI
Er, no. No, not at all.
(Takes maps from SERVANT
standing nearby. Then,
as an afterthought, chops
SERVANT's head off.)
Now, O Khan, we must push forward
to Persia, and then we shall be
poised to take over the whole
world!
KHAN
(Pinching a fold of skin
on his belly)
No, look, feel that. Do you think…
OGDAI
Khan! We are on the point of
conquering the world!
KHAN
When?
OGDAI
Tomorrow! We start tomorrow!
KHAN
Ah, well, tomorrow's a bit
difficult, you see. The thing is
that next week I've got this
lecture on carnage techniques in
Bokhara, and I thought I'd use
tomorrow to prepare for it.
OGDAI
Can't you put that off?
KHAN
Well, you see, they've paid me
quite a lot of money for it
already, so I'm a bit committed.
OGDAI
Well? Wednesday?
KHAN
(Pulling out a scroll)
Not sure about Wednesday…
OGDAI
Thursday?
KHAN
No, Thursday I'm sure about. We've
got Ogdai and his wife coming
'round for dinner, and I'd kind of
promised…
OGDAI
But I'm Ogdai!
KHAN
Well, there you are, then. You
wouldn't be able to make it either.
OGDAI
Look, will you be ready to conquer
the world on Friday?
KHAN
I don't know, the secretary comes
in on Friday morning.
OGDAI
Does she.
KHAN
All those letters to answer. You'd
be astonished at the demands people
try to make on my time, you know.
Would I sign this, would I appear
there, would I please do a
sponsored massacre for charity? So
that usually takes till at least
three. Then I had hoped to get
away for a long weekend. Now,
Monday, Monday… Nope, Monday's
out. Now how about Tuesday?
A strange noise begins to be audible in the background, but
KHAN and OGDAI do not notice it as it gradually grows in
volume.
KHAN (CONT'D)
Tuesday -- look I'm free in the
morning -- no, hold on a moment,
I'd sort of made a date for meeting
this chap who knows an awful lot
about understanding things, which
I'm terribly bad at. Now that's a
pity because that was my only free
day next week, and that pretty well
takes care of March.
A light is now visible, slowly growing in intensity.
OGDAI
April?
KHAN
Well, no, April's out. I'm going
to Africa in April, that's one
thing I had promised myself.
OGDAI
Look, can we please agree that we
will conquer the world in May?
KHAN
Well, I don't like to commit myself
that far in advance. One feels so
tied down if one's life is
completely mapped out beforehand.
I should be doing more reading, for
heaven's sake. Now ,I've penciled
in May, possible conquest of the
world. It's not absolutely
definite, but keep on at me and
we'll see how it goes.
(Notices the light and the
noise)
Hello, what's that?
A silver craft lands lightly on the plain. From it issues
WOWBAGGER, a tall, thin, alien who walks up to KHAN.
WOWBAGGER
Good evening. My name is
Wowbagger, also called the
Infinitely Prolonged, I shall not
trouble you with the reasons why.
Greetings.
(Pulls out a clipboard)
You are Genghis Khan, correct?
Genghis Temüjin Khan, son of
Yesügei?
KHAN nods incredulously.
WOWBAGGER
Can I just check the spelling?
(Holds clipboard up to
KHAN)
I would hate to get it wrong at
this stage and then have to start
all over again, I really would.
KHAN looks at clipboard and nods.
WOWBAGGER
Right number of "h"'s then?
KHAN nods.
WOWBAGGER
Good.
(Makes a mark on his
clipboard)
Genghis Khan, you are a wanker; you
are a tosspot; you are a very tiny
piece of turd. Thank you.
WOWBAGGER returns to his ship and takes off.
As KHAN's shock slowly turns to rage, he lets out a fierce
bellow. As his lips close, he morphs into PROSSER, wearing
the same fuzzy, furry hat as KHAN.
EXT. OUTSIDE ARTHUR DENT'S HOUSE. DAY.
DENT lies in the mud in between a bulldozer and his house.
PROSSER sits on the bulldozer.
PROSSER
Come off it Mr. Dent, you can't lie
in front of the bulldozer
indefinitely.
DENT
I'm game. Let's see who rusts
first.
PROSSER
Just accept it, Mr. Dent. This
bypass has got to be built.
DENT
First I heard of it. Why's it got
to be built?
PROSSER
What do you mean why's it got to be
built? It's a bypass, bypasses
have to be built. And you were
quite entitled to make any
suggestions or protests at the
appropriate time, you know.
DENT
Appropriate time? What do you mean
appropriate time? The first I
heard of it was when a workman came
to my home yesterday. I asked if
he'd come to clean the windows and
he said no, he'd come to demolish
the house. He didn't tell me
straightaway, of course. First he
wiped a couple windows and charged
me a fiver. Then he told me.
PROSSER
But Mr. Dent, the plans have been
available in the local planning
office for the last nine months.
DENT
Oh, yes, well, as soon as I heard I
went straight round to see them.
You hadn't exactly gone out of your
way to call attention to them, had
you?
PROSSER
But the plans were on display…
DENT
On display? I had to go down to
the cellar to find them.
PROSSER
That's the display department.
DENT
With a flashlight.
PROSSER
Ah, well, the lights had probably
gone.
DENT
So had the stairs.
PROSSER
But look, you found the notice,
didn't you?
DENT
Yes, yes I did. It was on display
in the bottom of a locked filing
cabinet stuck in an unused lavatory
with a sign on the door saying
"Beware of the Leopard."
PROSSER
It's not as if it's a particularly
nice house.
DENT
I'm sorry, but I happen to like it.
PROSSER
You'll like the bypass.
DENT
Oh shut up. Shut up and go away,
and take your bloody bypass with
you.
PROSSER
Mr. Dent, some factual information
for you. Have you any idea how
much damage that bulldozer would
suffer if I just let it roll
straight over you?
DENT
How much?
PROSSER
None at all!
PROSSER sits and stews.
UNION REP walks up to PROSSER.
PROSSER
You've already filed a grievance
about me sitting on the bulldozer.
UNION REP
We believe that Mr. Dent is posing
a mental health threat to the
workers on site.
PROSSER's shoulders slump. PROSSER dismounts from the
bulldozer and walks away as UNION REP explains his position.
FORD walks up, carrying a satchel.
FORD
Hello, Arthur.
DENT
Ford! Hello, how are you?
FORD
Fine. Look, are you busy?
DENT
(sarcastically)
Am I busy? Well, I've just got all
these bulldozers and things to lie
in front of because they'll knock
my house down if I don't, but other
than that, not especially, no.
Why?
FORD
(Staring nervously at the
sky.)
Good. Can we talk?
DENT
What? Why?
FORD
We've got to talk.
DENT
Fine. Talk.
FORD
And drink. It's vitally important
that we talk and drink. Now. Down
at the pub.
DENT
Look, don't you understand? That
man wants to knock my house down!
FORD
(Looks at PROSSER, then
DENT.)
Well, he can do that while you're
away can't he?
DENT
But I don't want him to!
FORD
Ah.
DENT
Look, what's the matter with you
Ford?
FORD
Nothing, nothing's the matter.
Listen to me -- I've got to tell
you the most important thing you've
ever heard. I've got to tell you
now and I've got to tell you at the
saloon bar of the Horse and Groom.
DENT
But why there?
FORD
Because you're going to need a very
stiff drink.
DENT
What about my house?
FORD
(Looks back at PROSSER.)
He wants to knock your house down?
DENT
Yes, he wants to build…
FORD
And he can't because you're lying
in front of his bulldozer?
DENT
Yes, and…
FORD
I'm sure we can come to some sort
of agreement.
(Walks toward PROSSER.)
Excuse me!
PROSSER
Yes, hello? Has Mr. Dent come to
his senses yet?
FORD
Can we assume for the moment that
he hasn't?
PROSSER
Well?
FORD
And can we also assume that he's
going to be staying here all day?
PROSSER
So?
FORD
So all your men are going to be
standing around all day doing
nothing?
PROSSER
Could be, could be.
FORD begins leading PROSSER to where DENT is lying.
FORD
Well, if you're resigned to doing
that anyway, you don't actually
need him to lie there all the time
do you?
PROSSER
What?
FORD
You don't actually need him here.
PROSSER
Well, no. Not need him as such…
FORD
So if you would like to take it as
read that he's actually here, then
he and I could slip off down to the
pub for half-an-hour. How does
that sound?
PROSSER
That sounds… perfectly reasonable,
I suppose.
FORD
And if you want to pop off for a
quick one later, then we can cover
for you in return.
PROSSER
Thank you very much, thank you very
much! That's very kind…
FORD
So, if you would just like to come
over here and lie down…
PROSSER
What?
FORD
Ah, I'm sorry. Perhaps I hadn't
made myself fully clear.
Somebody's got to lie in front of
the bulldozer, haven't they? Or
there won't be anything to stop
them driving into Mr. Dent's house,
will there?
PROSSER
What?
FORD
It's very simple. My client, Mr.
Dent, says that he will stop lying
here in the mud on the sole
condition that you come and take
over for him.
They stand next to DENT.
DENT
What are you talking about?
FORD lightly kicks DENT.
PROSSER
You want me to lie there…
FORD
Yes.
PROSSER
…in front of the bulldozer…
FORD
Yes.
PROSSER
…instead of Mr. Dent.
FORD
Yes.
PROSSER
In the mud.
FORD
Yes, as you say, in the mud.
PROSSER
In return for which you will take
Mr. Dent to the pub.
FORD
Exactly.
PROSSER
Promise?
FORD
Promise.
(To DENT)
Come on. Get up and let the man
lie down.
DENT and PROSSER switch positions.
FORD
(To PROSSER)
And no sneaky knocking down Mr.
Dent's house while he's away, all
right?
PROSSER
The thought hadn't even begun to
speculate about the merest
possibility of crossing my mind.
DENT and FORD walk away as UNION REP walks up with a very
happy, yet sly grin on his face. PROSSER's head sinks.
EXT. ROAD COMING FROM DENT'S HOUSE DAY
DENT and FORD walking.
DENT
Can we trust him?
FORD
Myself? I'd trust him 'til the end
of the earth.
DENT
Oh yes. And how far is that?
FORD
About twelve minutes. Come on, I
need a drink.
INT. PUB DAY
FORD
(Sitting down at the bar)
Six pints of bitter, please. And
quickly please, the world's about
to end.
BARMAN stares disdainfully at FORD, who looks nervously out
the window. BARMAN looks at DENT, who shrugs his shoulders.
BARMAN begins pouring.
BARMAN
Oh yes, sir. Nice weather for it.
Going to watch the match this
afternoon, then?
FORD
No, no point.
BARMAN
What's that, foregone conclusion
then, you reckon, sir? Arsenal
without a chance?
FORD
No, no. It's just that the world's
about to end.
BARMAN
Oh yes sir, so you said. Lucky
escape for Arsenal if it did.
FORD
No, not really.
BARMAN
There you are, sir. Six pints.
FORD slaps down a twenty pound note.
FORD
Keep the change.
BARMAN
What? From a twenty? Thank you
sir.
FORD
You've got ten minutes left to
spend it.
BARMAN looks uncomfortably at FORD, then walks off.
DENT
Ford, would you please tell me what
the hell is going on?
FORD
Drink up, you've got three pints to
get through.
DENT
Three pints? At lunchtime?
FORD
Time is an illusion. Lunchtime
doubly so.
DENT
Very deep. You should send that it
to Reader's Digest. They've got a
page for folks like you.
FORD
Drink.
DENT
Why three pints all of a sudden?
FORD
Muscle relaxant. You'll need it.
DENT
Muscle relaxant?
FORD
Muscle relaxant.
DENT
Did I do anything wrong today or
has the world always been like this
and I've been too wrapped up in
myself to notice?
FORD
All right, I'll try to explain.
How long have we known each other?
DENT
Er, about five years, maybe six.
Most of it seemed to make sense at
the time.
FORD
All right. How would you react if
I said that I'm not from Guildford
after all, but from a small planet
somewhere in the vicinity of
Betelgeuse?
DENT
I don't know. Why? Do you think
it's the sort of thing you're
likely to say?
FORD
(Clicks his tongue)
Drink up.
DENT
This must be Thursday. I never
could get the hang of Thursdays.
EXT. SPACE
The large section of the Earth is visible. A large, yellow,
slab-like space ship flies into view. Then, scores of other,
identical spaceships come into view.
INT. PUB DAY
FORD
You have a towel with you?
DENT
Why? What, no… should I have?
A low, rumbling, crashing sound comes from afar.
DENT
What's that?
FORD
Don't worry, they haven't started
yet.
DENT
Thank God for that.
FORD
It's probably just your house being
knocked down.
DENT
What?
(Runs to the window)
My God, they are! They're knocking
my house down! What the hell am I
doing in the pub, Ford?
FORD
It hardly matters at this point.
Let them have their fun.
DENT
Fun? Fun! Damn their fun!
(Runs out of the pub still
carrying a half-empty
beer glass)
Stop, you vandals! You home
wreckers! You… you… half-crazed
Visigoths, stop!
FORD
(To BARMAN)
Four packets of peanuts, please.
BARMAN
Certainly, sir.
BARMAN gives FORD the peanuts as FORD throws another twenty
pound note on the bar.
FORD
Thanks. Keep the change.
BARMAN looks down at the note, then up at FORD.
BARMAN
(Nervously)
Are you serious, sir? You think
the world's going to end?
FORD
Yes.
BARMAN
But, this afternoon?
FORD
Yes. In less than two minutes, I
would estimate.
BARMAN
Isn't there anything we can do
about it then?
FORD
No, nothing.
BARMAN
I thought that if the world was
going to end, we were meant to lie
down or put a paper bag over our
head or something.
FORD
If you like, yes.
BARMAN
That's what they told us in the
army. Will that help?
FORD
No. I've got to go.
FORD gives a friendly wave as he leaves.
BARMAN
(Weakly)
Last orders, please.
EXT. SPACE
Large yellow spaceships turn their wide undersides toward the
earth. They begin their descent.
EXT. ROAD FROM ARTHUR DENT'S HOUSE DAY
DENT runs toward his knocked-down house, still carrying his
beer glass.
DENT
You barbarians! I'll sue the
council for every penny it's got!
The wind starts picking up very quickly, but DENT does not
notice.
DENT (CONT'D)
I'll have you hung, drawn and
quartered! And whipped! And
boiled until… until… until you've
had enough!
FORD sprints after the still running DENT.
DENT (CONT'D)
And then I will do it again! And
when I'm finished, I'll take all
the little bits and I will jump on
them!
DENT continues running toward the wreckage of his house as
WORKMEN scatter from the bulldozers and PROSSER stares
hectically into the sky.
DENT
And I will carry on jumping on them
until I get blisters or I can think
of something more unpleasant to do,
and then…
DENT trips, falls, rolls until he is lying on his back.
DENT
(Pointing upward)
What the hell's that?
Innumerable large, yellow spaceships tear across the sky in
the upper part of the stratosphere. Another flies in very
low and very quickly, leaving a mind-numbingly loud bang
behind it.
FORD comes up to where DENT is lying and stands over him.
FORD
Of all the species and
civilizations in this galaxy, why
did it have to be the Vogons?
The yellow ships stop and hover menacingly.
EXT. VARIOUS CITIES, AS NOTED.
Above each city, a Vogon ship stands poised, as it bellows
out its announcement.
LONDON
VOGON (O.S.)
(On a P.A.)
People of Earth, your attention
please. This is
NEW YORK
VOGON (O.S.) (CONT'D)
the Prostetnic Vogon Jeltz of the
Galactic Hyperspace Council.
PARIS
VOGON (O.S.) (CONT'D)
(In French, subtitled)
As you are aware from the plans and
demolition orders on display in
your local
BERLIN
VOGON(O.S.) (CONT'D)
(In German, subtitled)
planning office at Alpha Centauri,
the development of
ROME
VOGON (O.S.) (CONT'D)
(In Italian, subtitled)
the outlying regions of the Galaxy
require the building of a
MOSCOW
VOGON (O.S.) (CONT'D)
(In Russian, subtitled)
hyperspatial express route through
your star system
and, regrettably,
BEIJING
VOGON (O.S.) (CONT'D)
(In Chinese, subtitled)
your planet is one of those
scheduled for demolition. The
process will take
AFRICAN SAVANNA
VOGON (O.S.) (CONT'D)
(In Swahili, subtitled)
slightly less that two of your
earth minutes. Thank you.
EXT. ROAD FROM ARTHUR DENT'S HOUSE DAY
FORD stands over DENT, who is still lying on the ground.
FORD is throwing papers out of his satchel.
Large hatchways open on the bottom of the spaceships.
DENT
Thursdays have certainly taken an
interesting turn, haven't they?
FORD
Are you sure you don't have a
towel? It's a good thing I brought
mine, then.
FORD smiles at DENT, then pulls out an Electronic Thumb, a
gizmo with a few lights and buttons on it. FORD presses a
button.
VOGON (O.S.)
(On a P.A.)
What do you mean you've never been
to Alpha Centauri? For heaven's
sake mankind, it's only four light
years away, you know. I'm sorry,
but if you can't be bothered to
take an interest in local affairs
that's your own problem. Bloody
apathetic planet, I've no sympathy
at all. Engergize demolition
beams.
Light pours out of the hatchways.
EXT. SPACE
Earth explodes. Yellow spaceships fly silently off into the
black void.
INT. GALLEY OF A VOGON SPACESHIP DARK
A match flares into life, lighting FORD's face. He looks
around the room nervously. The match creates leaping,
menacing shadows. DENT gives out a small moan. FORD reaches
into his pockets and pulls out a package of peanuts. He
tosses the package at DENT.
FORD
Here. If you've never been through
a matter transference beam before,
you probably lost some salt and
protein.
DENT
Ungh. Dark.
FORD
Yes, it's dark.
DENT
Dark, no light.
FORD
Yes. How do you feel?
DENT
Like a military academy. Bits of
me keep passing out. If I asked
you where we were, would I regret
it?
FORD
We're safe.
DENT
Oh good.
FORD
We're in a small galley cabin in
one of the spaceships of the Vogon
Constructor Fleet.
DENT
Ah. This is obviously some strange
usage of the word "safe" that I was
not aware of. How did we get here?
FORD starts hunting around for a light switch.
FORD
We hitched a lift.
DENT
Excuse me? Are you going to tell
me that we just stuck out our
thumbs and some green bug-eyed
monster stuck his head out and
said, "Hop right in fellas, I can
take you as far as the Basingstoke
roundabout?"
FORD
Well, the Thumb's a sub-etha
signaling device and the roundabout
is about six light years away, but
otherwise that's more or less
right.
DENT
And the bug-eyed monster?
FORD
Is green, yes.
DENT
Fine, when can I go home?
FORD
You can't.
(Finds the switch)
Shade your eyes.
The room is filled with grubby mattresses, unwashed cups and
alien underwear.
DENT
Good grief. Is this what the
inside of a flying saucer really
looks like?
FORD
Well, this is a working ship.
These are the Dentrassis' sleeping
quarters.
DENT
I thought you said they were Vogons
or something.
FORD
The Vogons run the ship, but the
Dentrassis let us on board.
DENT
I'm confused.
FORD
Here, have a look at this.
FORD hands DENT the GUIDE, a device about the size of a Palm
Pilot. DENT sits down nervously on a mattress.
DENT
What is it?
FORD
The Hitchhiker's Guide to the
Galaxy. It's a sort of electronic
book. It tells you everything you
need to know. Roughly.
DENT
Roughly?
FORD
Well… a lot of it is incomplete,
apocryphal or just plain false, but
the information is always useful,
even when it isn't true.
DENT
Nice. I especially like the cover.
"Don't Panic". It's the first
useful thing anybody's said to me
all day.
FORD
Here, let me show you how it works.
You press this button here and the
screen lights up, giving you the
index. You want to know about
Vogons, so I entered that name so.
And there we are.
GUIDE
Vogon Constructor Fleets. Here is
what to do if you want to hitch a
ride with a Vogon: forget it.
They are one of the most unpleasant
races in the Galaxy. Not actually
evil, just ill-tempered,
bureaucratic, officious and
callous. They wouldn't lift a
finger to save their own
grandmothers from the Ravenous
Bugblatter Beast of Traal without
order signed in triplicate, sent
in, sent back, queried, lost,
found, subjected to public inquiry,
lost again and finally buried in
soft peat for three months and
recycled as firelighters. The best
way to get a drink out of a Vogon
is to stick your finger down his
throat. The best way to irritate a
Vogon is to feed his grandmother to
the Ravenous Bugblatter Beast of
Traal. On no account allow a Vogon
to read poetry at you.
DENT
Interesting book. But how did we
get a lift off of them?
FORD
That's the point, it's out of date.
I'm doing field research for a new
revision, and one of the things
I'll have to do is include a bit
about how the Vogons now employ
Dentrassi cooks, which gives us a
rather useful loophole.
DENT
But who are the Dentrassis?
FORD
Great guys. The best cooks and
drink mixers in the Galaxy. And
they'll always help hitchhikers
aboard, partly for the company, but
mostly because it annoys the
Vogons. Which is exactly the sort
of think you need to know if you're
trying to see the marvels of the
universe for less than thirty
Altarian dollars a day. And that's
what I do. Fun, isn't it?
DENT
It's amazing.
FORD
Unfortunately, I got stuck on Earth
for rather longer than I intended.
I came for a week and got stuck for
fifteen years.
DENT
But how did you get there in the
first place, then?
FORD
I got a lift with a teaser.
DENT
A teaser?
FORD
Yeah. They cruise around, looking
for planets that haven't made
interstellar contact and buzz them.
DENT
Buzz them?
FORD
Yeah. They find an isolated spot,
then land by some poor,
unsuspecting soul and strut up and
down in front of him, wearing
antennas on their head and making
"beep beep" noises. Rather
childish really.
DENT
Okay, but what am I doing here?
FORD
You know that. I rescued you from
Earth.
DENT
And what's happened to Earth?
FORD
It's been demolished.
DENT
Has it.
FORD
Yes. Just boiled away into space.
DENT
Ah. So what do I do now?
FORD
You come along with me and have a
good time. The Galaxy's a fun
place. You'll need this fish in
your ear.
FORD holds up a small glass jar containing a strange-looking
fish.
A noise akin to a man gargling while trying to fight off a
pack of wolves comes blaring at them from the P.A.
FORD
Shh! This could be important!
DENT
Im… Important?
FORD
It's the Vogon captain making an
announcement.
DENT
You mean that's how Vogons talk?
FORD
Listen!
DENT
But I don't speak Vogon!
FORD
You don't need to. Just put this
fish in your ear.
DENT
What does a fish have to do with
any of this?
FORD grasps DENT's head and pours the jar into DENT's ear.
The fish swims into his ear canal. DENT performs a few
facial gymnastics at the feeling before falling into goggle
eyed wonder as the noise resolves into perfect English.
PROSTETNIC JELTZ (O.S.)
(Over the P.A.)
howl gargle howl howl gargle should
have a good time. Once again, this
is your captain speaking, so pay
attention.
First of all, I see from our
instruments that we have a couple
of hitchhikers aboard. Hello,
wherever you are. I just want to
make it totally clear that you are
not at all welcome. I worked hard
to get where I am today, and I
didn't become captain of a Vogon
constructor ship just to become a
taxi service for a load of
degenerate freeloaders. I have
sent out a search party, and as
soon as they find you I will have
you put off the ship. If you're
lucky, I might read you some of my
poetry first. Secondly, we are
about to jump into hyperspace for
the journey to Barnard's Star. On
arrival we will stay in dock for a
three-day refit, and no one's to
leave the ship during that time. I
reapeat, all planet leave is
canceled. I just came off an
unhappy love affair, so I don't see
why anybody else should have a good
time. Message ends.
DENT is lying on the ground, curled in a fetal position.
DENT
Charming man. I wish I had a
daughter so I could forbid her to
marry one.
DENT begins to uncurl himself.
FORD
No, don't move, you'd better be
prepared for the jump into
hyperspace. It's unpleasantly like
being drunk.
DENT
What's so unpleasant about being
drunk?
FORD
Ask a glass of water.
DENT
I see. Ford, what's this fish
doing in my ear?
FORD curls up into a fetal ball.
FORD
Translating for you. It's a Babel
fish. A parasite that leeches off
of other people's brainwaves and
excretes a telepathic matrix based
on its host's speech centers. Look
it up in the book if you like.
DENT
No thanks. I was happier when I
didn't know.
The room folds in on itself and slurps down a small drain as
DENT's eyeballs turn inside out and his feet leak out of his
head. DENT groans slowly as everything returns to normal.
FORD
Like I said.
DENT
Ford?
FORD
Yeah?
DENT
If you're a researcher on this book
thing and you were on Earth, you
must have been gathering material
on it.
FORD
Well, I was able to extend the
original entry a bit. Take a look,
if you like.
DENT frantically pushes buttons on the GUIDE.
GUIDE
Earth. Mostly harmless.
DENT
What? Is that all it's got to say?
Mostly harmless? Two words!
FORD
(Shrugs)
There are a hundred billion stars
in the Galaxy and a limited amount
of space in the book's data banks.
And no one knew much about the
Earth, of course.
DENT
So now, all that's left of the
Earth are me and two words? Mostly
harmless? Good God, what was the
entry like before you extended it?
FORD
What was that noise?
DENT
It was me shouting!
FORD
No. Shut up. I think we're in
trouble.
Sound of marching boots getting closer.
DENT
(Whispers)
The Dentrassis?
FORD
No, those are steel-tipped boots.
A sharp, ringing rap on the door.
DENT
Then who is it?
FORD
Well, if we're lucky it's just the
Vogons come to throw us into space.
DENT
And if we're unlucky?
FORD
Then the captain might be serious
in his threat that he's going to
read us some of his poetry first.
Door opens and VOGONS rush in.
EXT. DAMOGRAN DAY
A boat speeds across a seemingly endless expanse of sea,
throwing up a giant plume of water. In it, the two-headed,
three-armed ZAPHOD sits lazily. The boat comes up to a large
cliff jutting above the waves. ZAPHOD docks the boat and
gets out onto a platform as his two heads smile at a camera
floating above him.
He gets into a large, clear bubble containing a red, leather
sofa. The bubble is pushed by a plume of water onto the top
of the cliff. ZAPHOD exits the bubble to a politely
applauding assemblage of ALIENS. The applause dies down.
ZAPHOD
Hi.
GOVERNMENT SPIDER attempts to hand ZAPHOD a speech. ZAPHOD
pushes the pages away.
ZAPHOD
(Raises his hand in
greeting)
Hi.
(Turns to TRILLIAN)
Hi, honey.
(Turns to JOURNALISTS)
Hi, guys.
JOURNALIST
(Quietly to ANOTHER
JOURNALIST)
Get to the quotes already.
After an uncomfortably long silence, GOVERNMENT OFFICIAL
presses a button. An enormous dome opens up to reveal a
sleek, white spaceship: the Heart of Gold.
ZAPHOD
Wow.
(Turns to JOURNALISTS)
Wow.
ZAPHOD looks at TRILLIAN and winks. TRILLIAN rolls her eyes.
ZAPHOD
That is really amazing. That
really is truly amazing. In fact,
it is so amazingly amazing that I
think I'd like to steal it.
The crowd applauds and laughs appreciatively. ZAPHOD stands
there for a second, lets out a whoop and throws an object
into the air. As the object flies, it gives out a sudden
flash. The entire crowd is frozen in place, except for
TRILLIAN and ZAPHOD, who run toward the Heart of Gold.
INT. VOGON SHIP'S CORRIDOR.
FORD and DENT are being dragged beneath the arms of VOGON
GUARD.
DENT
This is great, this is really
terrific.
FORD
Don't worry, I'll think of
something.
VOGON GUARD
Resistance is useless!
FORD
Just don't say things like that.
How can anyone maintain a positive
mental attitude if you're saying
things like that?
DENT
My God, you're talking about a
positive mental attitude and you
haven't even had your planet
demolished today. And now it's
just after four in the afternoon
and I'm being thrown out into space
six light-years from the smoking
remains of the Earth!
FORD
All right, just remember the book!
DENT
What about what book?
FORD
"Don't Panic!"
DENT
Who said anything about panicking?
You wait until I've settled down
into the situation and found my
bearings. Then I'll start
panicking.
FORD
Just shut up and let me think!
VOGON GUARD
Resistance is useless!
FORD
And you can shut up as well!
VOGON GUARD
Resistance is useless!
FORD
Oh, give it a rest.
(Pauses)
Do you really enjoy this sort of
thing?
VOGON GUARD stops.
VOGON GUARD
Enjoy? What do you mean?
FORD
(Turns himself to look
VOGON GUARD in the face)
I mean does it give you a full,
satisfying life? Stomping around,
shouting, pushing people out of
spaceships…
VOGON GUARD
Well, the hours are good…
FORD
They would have to be.
DENT
(Whispering)
Ford, what are you doing?
FORD
Just taking take an interest in the
world around me, okay?
(To VOGON GUARD)
So the hours are pretty good, then?
VOGON GUARD
Yeah… but now you come to mention
it, most of the actual minutes are
pretty lousy. Except… except some
for the shouting I quite like.
Resistance is…
FORD
Sure, yes, you're good at that, I
can tell. But if it's mostly
lousy, then why do you do it? The
girls? The leather? The machismo?
Or do you find that coming to terms
with the mindless tedium of it all
presents an interesting challenge?
VOGON
Er… I dunno. I think I just sort
of do it really. My aunt said that
spaceship guard was a good career
for a young Vogon. You know, the
uniform, the low-slung ray holster,
the mindless tedium…
FORD
There you are, Arthur. You think
you've got problems.
DENT
I rather think that I do…
FORD
Try and understand his problem.
Here he is, poor lad, his entire
life's work is stamping around,
throwing people off spaceships…
VOGON GUARD
And shouting.
FORD
And shouting, sure, and he doesn't
even know why he's doing it.
VOGON GUARD
Well, now that you put it like that
I suppose…
FORD
Good lad!
VOGON GUARD
But, all right, what's the
alternative?
FORD
Well, stop doing it, of course!
Tell them you're not going to do it
anymore.
VOGON GUARD
EEErrrmmm… that doesn't sound that
great to me.
VOGON GUARD resumes walking.
FORD
Now wait a minute, that's just the
start, there's more to it.
VOGON GUARD
No, if it's all the same to you,
I'll just like to finish my work
here so I can get on with some
other bits of shouting I've been
hoping to get to yet this
afternoon.
FORD
But look! There's music and art
and other things to tell you about
yet!
VOGON
Resistance is useless! You see, if
I keep it up, I can get promoted to
Senior Shouting Officer. There
aren't usually many vacancies for
nonshouting and nonpushing-people
about officers, so I think I'd
better stick to what I know.
VOGON GUARD reaches a very large door and stops.
VOGON GUARD (CONT'D)
But thanks for taking an interest.
DENT
So that's it? You're just going to
throw us into space now that I'm
opening up whole new worlds to you?
VOGON GUARD
No, our captain is going to read
you his poetry, first. Bye now.
INT. VOGON POETRY ROOM
DENT and FORD sit shackled in two large chairs. Speakers and
small video screens surround them. Electrodes are attached
to their heads and hands. FORD sits, sweating with fear, as
DENT sits merely confused by it all.
DENT
What is all this?
FORD
Imagery intensifiers, rhythmic
modulators, alliterative
residualators and simile dumpers.
These animals make sure you get
every single nuance of the verse.
DENT
Oh come on. It's just poetry, how
bad can it be?
INT. VOGON POETRY ROOM
As PROSTETNIC JELTZ reads his poetry, FORD shakes as though
being electrocuted. DENT lolls with horror as though he were
seeing men being flayed alive or hot dogs being made.
PROSTETNIC JELTZ
(Midway through an
impassioned reading)
…thy micturations are to me! As
plurdled gabbleblotchits on a
lurgid bee. Groop, I implore thee
my foonting turlingdromes. And
hooptiously drangle me with crinkly
bindlewurdles, Or I will rend thee
in the gobberwarts with my
blurgecruncheon, see if I don't!
INT. OUTSIDE THE VOGON POETRY READING ROOM
The door opens. DENT and FORD are dragged out like rag dolls
by VOGON GUARD.
INT. LONG, CYLINDRICAL AIRLOCK.
The door slams shut. FORD leans weakly against the side of
the airlock, DENT lies prone.
FORD
That went much smoother than I
thought.
DENT
We're trapped aren't we?
FORD
Yes, we're trapped.
DENT
(Getting up)
Well, didn't you think of anything?
Perhaps you thought of something
and I didn't notice.
FORD
Oh yes, I thought of something.
Unfortunately it involved being on
the other side of this airtight
hatchway.
DENT
But it was a good idea, was it?
FORD
Oh yes, very neat.
DENT
What was it?
FORD
Well, I hadn't worked out the
details yet. Not much point now,
is there?
DENT
So… er… what happens next?
FORD
The door in front of us will open
in a few moments and we will shoot
out into deep space and asphyxiate.
If you take a lungful of air with
you, you can last for up to thirty
seconds, of course…
FORD sighs, then starts humming "Abide With Me".
DENT
You know, it's at times like this,
when I'm trapped in a Vogon airlock
with a man from Betelgeuse, and
about to die in deep space, that I
really wish I'd listened to what my
mother told me when I was young.
FORD
Well, what did she tell you?
DENT
I don't know, I didn't listen.
FORD
Oh.
A menacing clank. Then a small hiss that quickly becomes a
roar. DENT and FORD shoot out of the airlock.
TITLE OVER:
seconds later.
EXT. AN AREA APPEARING TO BE THE SOUTHEND SEAFRONT DAY
DENT and FORD fall onto a roadway.
FORD
There you are, I told you I'd think
of something.
DENT
Oh sure, sure. Just what did you
think of?
FORD
Well, obviously to get… here.
DENT
And just where are we?
FORD
I don't know. But it looks just
like the seafront at Southend.
DENT
Hell, I'm relieved to hear you say
that.
FORD
Why?
DENT
Because I thought I must be going
mad.
FORD
Perhaps we're both going mad.
DENT
Yes, we'd have to be mad, all
things considered, to think this
was Southend.
FORD
Well, do you think this is
Southend?
DENT
Oh yes.
FORD
So do I.
DENT
Therefore we must be mad.
FORD
Nice day for it.
HUGE CHILDREN bounce along the sand. Wild horses stampede
across the sky. The land bucks like the sea, and the sea
remains steady as rock.
FORD
There's something altogether
strange going on.
Sounds of pipes and strings fill the air. Doughnuts pop out
of the road. Fish fall from the sky. DENT and FORD decide
to make a run for it. Voices reciting archaic thought whiz
by, as crazed shoe salesmen chase them.
TRILLIAN (O.S.)
(On a P.A.)
Two to the power of one hundred
thousand to one against and
falling.
DENT
What was that voice?
FORD
It sounded like a measurement of
probability.
DENT
Probability?
FORD
Probability. You know, like two to
one, three to one, five to four
against. It said two to the power
of one hundred thousand to one
against. That's pretty improbable,
you know.
A huge vat of custard dumps onto FORD and DENT.
DENT
But what does it mean?
FORD
The custard?
DENT
No, the measurement of probability!
FORD
I don't know. I think we're on some
kind of spaceship.
DENT
I can only assume this is not the
first-class compartment.
(DENT's arm falls off.
Startled, he looks at
FORD)
Ford, you're turning into a
penguin. Stop it.
TRILLIAN (O.C.)
(On a P.A.)
Two to the power of seventy-five
thousand to one against and
falling.
FORD
(Now a penguin waddling
around furiously.)
Hey, who are you? Where are you?
What's happening?
TRILLIAN (O.S.)
(On a P.A.)
Please relax, you are perfectly
safe.
FORD
But that's not the point! The
point is that I am now a perfectly
safe penguin and my colleague here
is rapidly running out of limbs!
DENT
It's all right, I've got them back
now. Admittedly, they're longer
than I usually like.
TRILLIAN (O.S.)
(On a P.A.)
Two to the power of fifty thousand
to one against and falling.
FORD
Isn't there anything you feel you
ought to be telling us?
TRILLIAN (O.S.)
(On a P.A.)
Welcome to the Starship Heart of
Gold. Please do not be alarmed by
anything you see or hear around
you. You are bound to feel some
initial ill effects as you have
been rescued from certain death at
an improbability level of two to
the power of two hundred and
seventy-six thousand to one
against, probably much higher. We
are now cruising at a level of two
to the power of twenty-five
thousand and falling, and we will
soon be restoring normality, just
as soon as we are sure what is
normal, anyway. Thank you. Two to
the power of twenty thousand to one
against and falling.
FORD and DENT sit in a small, luminous pink cube.
FORD
Arthur! This is fantastic! We've
been picked up by a ship powered by
the Infinite Improbability Drive!
INT. BRIDGE OF THE HEART OF GOLD
The BRIDGE is a large, oblong, pleasantly decorated room.
Video screens and control panels fill the front wall,
computer banks the back wall. It is immaculately new. Some
of the control seats are still wrapped in protective plastic.
MARVIN slumps in one corner, brand new, but looking worn.
ZAPHOD paces up and down the cabin. TRILLIAN stands over the
controls. A cage holding two white mice stands on a table
near the back wall.
TRILLIAN
(into a microphone)
Five to one against and falling.
Four to one against. Three to one…
Two… One… probability factor of one
to one. We have normality, I
repeat, we have normality.
Anything you can't cope with is
therefore your problem. Please
relax, you will be sent for soon.
ZAPHOD
Who are they Trillian?
TRILLIAN
(Shrugs)
Just a couple of guys we seem to
have picked up in open space.
Section ZZ sub 9 Plural Z Alpha.
ZAPHOD
Yeah, well, that's a very sweet
thought, Trillian, but do you
really think it's wise? I mean,
here we are, we must have the
police of half the galaxy after us
by now, and we stop to pick up
hitchhikers. Okay, so ten out of
ten for style, but minus several
million for good thinking, yeah?
ZAPHOD taps nervously on the control panel. TRILLIAN moves
his hand off the control panel, lest he tap anything
important.
TRILLIAN
Zaphod, they were floating
unprotected in open space… you
wouldn't want them to have died,
would you?
ZAPHOD
Well, you know… no. Not as such,
but…
TRILLIAN
Not die as such? But?
ZAPHOD
Well, somebody else might have
picked them up later.
TRILLIAN
A second later and they would have
been dead.
ZAPHOD
Yeah, so if you'd taken the trouble
to think about the problem a bit
longer it would have gone away.
TRILLIAN
You'd have been happy to let them
die?
ZAPHOD
Well, you know, not really happy,
but…
TRILLIAN
Anyway, I didn't pick them up. The
ship did.
ZAPHOD
Huh?
TRILLIAN
The ship picked them up. All by
itself. While we were in
Improbability Drive.
ZAPHOD
But that's impossible.
TRILLIAN
No, Zaphod, just very improbable.
ZAPHOD
Er, yeah.
TRILLIAN
Look, Zaphod, don't worry about the
aliens. They're just a couple of
guys, I expect. I'll send the
robot down to get them and bring
them up here. Hey Marvin!
MARVIN's head turns. He pulls himself up heavily and lumbers
to TRILLIAN. He stops and looks not quite at her.
MARVIN
I think you ought to know I'm
feeling very depressed.
ZAPHOD
Oh God.
INT. NUMBER THREE ENTRY BAY
The NUMBER THREE ENTRY BAY is set up much like a waiting
room. DENT and FORD look about curiously.
FORD
I think this ship's brand new.
DENT
How can you tell? Do you have some
gizmo to measure the age of metal?
FORD
No, I just found this sales
brochure lying on the table. It's
a lot of "the Universe can be
yours" kind of stuff. Here, listen
to this, "Sensational new
breakthrough in Improbability
Physics. When the ship reaches
Infinite Improbability, the ship
will pass through every point in
the Universe." Wow. Galactic
astrotechnology certainly has moved
ahead during my exile. And look
here, they make a big thing of the
ship's cybernetics, "A new
generation of Sirius Cybernetics
Corporation robots and computers,
with the new GPP feature."
DENT
GPP feature?
FORD
(Reading)
Genuine People Personalities.
DENT
Sounds ghastly.
MARVIN
(Behind them)
It is.
DENT and FORD are startled by his sudden appearance.
MARVIN
Ghastly. It all is. Don't even
talk about it. Look at this door.
"All the doors in this spaceship
have a cheerful and sunny
disposition. It is their pleasure
to open for you, and their
satisfaction to close again with
the knowledge of a job well done."
The door closes with a content sigh behind MARVIN.
MARVIN
Come on, I've been ordered to take
you down to the bridge. Here I am,
brain the size of a planet and they
ask me to take you down to the
bridge. Probably the highest
demand that will be made on my
intellectual capacities today, I
shouldn't wonder.
MARVIN turns to lead them out.
FORD
Er, excuse me. Which government
owns this ship?
MARVIN
You watch this door, it's about to
open again. I can tell by the
intolerable air of smugness it's
generating.
The door opens.
MARVIN
Come on.
INT. CORRIDORS OF THE SHIP
FORD and DENT follow MARVIN as he trudges down the hallways.
MARVIN
Thank you the marketing division of
the Sirius Cybernetics Corporation.
"Let's build robots with Genuine
People Personalities" they said.
So they tried it out with me. I'm
a personality prototype. You can
tell, can't you?
FORD and DENT mutter half-hearted denials as they pass
through another door.
MARVIN
I hate that door. I'm not getting
you down at all, am I?
FORD
Which government…
MARVIN
No government owns it. It's been
stolen.
FORD
Stolen? Who by?
MARVIN
Zaphod Beeblebrox.
FORD stops dead still, as though his legs forgot how to work.
FORD
Zaphod Beeblebrox?
MARVIN
Sorry, did I say something wrong?
Pardon me for breathing, which I
never do anyway, so I don't know
why I bother to say it. Here's
another of those self-satisfied
doors.
DENT
Ford, are you all right?
FORD
Did that robot say Zaphod
Beeblebrox?
INT. BRIDGE
ZAPHOD turns on the radio.
NEWSMAN (O.S.)
(On the radio)
…the sensational theft of the new
Improbability Drive prototype ship
by none other than Galactic
President Zaphod Beeblebrox. And
the question everyone's asking is…
has the big Z finally flipped?
Beeblebrox, the man who invented
the Pan Galactic Gargle Blaster…
TRILLIAN turns off the radio.
ZAPHOD
Hey, what did you do that for?
TRILLIAN
You hear enough about yourself as
it is.
ZAPHOD
I'm very insecure. We know that.
TRILLIAN
Can we drop your ego for the
moment? This is important.
ZAPHOD
If there's anything more important
than my ego, I want it caught now
and shot.
TRILLIAN
Listen, we picked up those couple
of guys…
ZAPHOD
What couple of guys?
TRILLIAN
Those couple of guys we picked up.
ZAPHOD
Oh yeah, that couple of guys.
TRILLIAN
We picked them up in sector ZZ sub
9 Plural Z Alpha.
ZAPHOD
Yeah?
TRILLIAN
Does that mean anything to you?
ZAPHOD
Mmmm, ZZ sub 9 Plural Z Alpha. ZZ
sub 9 Plural Z Alpha?
TRILLIAN
Well?
ZAPHOD
Er… What does the Z mean?
TRILLIAN
Which one?
ZAPHOD
Any one.
TRILLIAN sighs, then punches up a star map on a screen.
TRILLIAN
There. Right there.
ZAPHOD
(Getting it)
Hey… yeah!
TRILLIAN
Well?
ZAPHOD
(Not getting it after all)
Well what?
TRILLIAN
It's the same sector you originally
picked me up in.
ZAPHOD
Yeah. Now that is wild. How did
we come to be there? I mean,
that's nowhere.
TRILLIAN
Improbability Drive. You explained
it to me yourself. We pass through
every point in the Universe.
ZAPHOD
Yeah, but that's one wild
coincidence isn't it?
TRILLIAN
Yes.
ZAPHOD
Picking someone up at that point?
Out of the whole of the Universe to
choose from? That's just too… I
want to work this out. Computer!
EDDIE
(Obnoxiously chipper)
Hi there!
ZAPHOD
Oh God.
EDDIE
I want you to know that whatever
your problem is, I'm here to help
you solve it.
ZAPHOD
Yeah, yeah, look. I think I'll
just use a piece of paper.
EDDIE
Sure thing. I understand. If you
ever want anything, just…
ZAPHOD
I want you to shut up!
EDDIE
(Hurt)
Okay. Okay.
ZAPHOD sits down with a piece of paper and a pencil.
ZAPHOD
Can we work out from their point of
view what the Improbability of
their rescue was?
TRILLIAN
Yes, that's a constant: Two to the
power of two hundred seventy-six
thousand seven hundred and nine to
one against.
ZAPHOD
That's high. They're two lucky,
lucky guys.
TRILLIAN
Yes.
ZAPHOD
But relative to what we were doing
when the ship picked them up…
TRILLIAN hits a couple of buttons on the console.
TRILLIAN
Two to the power of infinity minus
one, to one against.
ZAPHOD
(Whistles)
That's pretty low.
TRILLIAN
Yes.
ZAPHOD
That's one big whack of
Improbability to be accounted for.
Something pretty improbable has got
to show up on the balance sheet if
it's all going to add into a pretty
sum.
(Fumbles around with the
figures for a bit before
throwing the pencil in
frustration)
Bat's dos. I can't work it out.
TRILLIAN
Well?
ZAPHOD
(Resignedly)
Okay. Computer!
EDDIE
Why, hello there! All I want to do
is make you day nicer and nicer and
nicer and…
ZAPHOD
Yeah, well, shut up and work
something out for me.
EDDIE
Sure thing, you want a probability
forecast based on…
ZAPHOD
Improbability data, yeah.
EDDIE
Okay, here's an interesting little
notion: Did you realize most
people's lives are governed by
telephone numbers?
TRILLIAN
No. Those aliens - they're on the
way up to the bridge with that
wretched robot. Can we pick them
up on any of the monitor cameras?
INT. CORRIDOR
MARVIN trudges along, making noises like an old man exerting
himself.
MARVIN
And then I've got this terrible
pain in all the diodes down my left
hand side…
DENT
(Grimly)
No? Really?
MARVIN
Oh yes. I mean I've asked for them
to be replaced but no one ever
listens.
DENT
I can imagine.
FORD
Well, well, well. Zaphod
Beeblebrox.
They come to a door and stop.
MARVIN
You know what's happened now, of
course?
DENT
No, what?
MARVIN
We've arrived at another of those
doors.
FORD
Well, do we go through?
MARVIN
Do we go through? Yes. I was told
to take you to the bridge. This is
the entrance to the bridge.
Marvin takes one step forward and the door slides open.
DOOR
Thank you for making a simple door
very happy.
MARVIN
Funny how just when you think life
can't possibly get any worse, it
suddenly does.
MARVIN steps through into the bridge as FORD and DENT wait
behind.
MARVIN (O.S.)
I suppose you'll want to see the
aliens now. Do you want me to sit
in a corner and rust, or just fall
apart where I'm standing?
ZAPHOD (O.S.)
Yeah, just show them in, would you
Marvin?
FORD giggles.
DENT
(To FORD)
What's going on?
FORD
Shh. Come on.
INT. BRIDGE
FORD and DENT enter. ZAPHOD sits nonchalantly with his feet
propped up on a control console. ZAPHOD picks the teeth of
one of his heads, and the other head looks at them with a
relaxed grin.
ZAPHOD
Ford, hi, how are you? Glad you
could drop in.
FORD
(Not about to be
outcooled)
Zaphod, you're looking well, the
new arm suits you. Nice ship
you've stolen.
DENT
(With stunned disbelief)
You mean you know this guy?
FORD
Know him! He's…
(Remembers play it cool.)
Oh, Zaphod, this is a friend of
mine, Arthur Dent. I saved him
when his planet blew up.
ZAPHOD
Oh sure. Hi, Arthur, glad you
could make it.
(His other head turns to
Arthur and adds)
Hi.
FORD
And Arthur, this is my semicousin
Zaphod Beeb…
DENT
(Sharply)
We've met.
FORD
(Off-balance)
Er… what?
DENT
I said we've met.
ZAPHOD
(Also off-balance)
Hey… er, have we?
FORD
What do you mean you've met? This
is Zaphod Beeblebrox from
Betelgeuse Five, you know, not
bloody Martin Smith from Croyden.
DENT
I don't care. We've met, haven't
we Zaphod Beeblebrox - or should I
say… Phil?
ZAPHOD
You'll have to remind me, I have a
terrible memory for species.
DENT
I was at a party.
ZAPHOD
Yeah, well, I doubt that.
FORD
Cool it, will you, Arthur!
DENT
A party six moths ago. On Earth.
England. London. Islington.
ZAPHOD
(With a guilty smile)
Oh. That party.
FORD
What? You don't mean to say you've
been on that miserable little
planet as well, do you?
ZAPHOD
No, of course not. Well, I may
have just dropped in briefly, you
know, on my way somewhere.
FORD
But I was stuck there for fifteen
years!
ZAPHOD
Well, I didn't know that, did I?
FORD
But what were you doing there?
DENT
He gate-crashed a party. A fancy
dress party.
FORD
It would have to be, wouldn't it?
DENT
At this party was a girl… Oh,
well, look, it doesn't matter now.
The whole place has gone up in
smoke anyway…
FORD
I wish you'd stop sulking about
that bloody planet. Who was the
lady?
DENT
Oh, just somebody. Well, all
right, I wasn't doing very well
with her. I'd been trying all
evening. Hell, she was something
though. Beautiful, charming,
devastatingly intelligent.
At last I'd got her to myself for a
bit and was plying her with a bit
of talk when this friend of yours
barges up and says, "Hey, doll, is
this guy boring you? Why don't you
talk to me instead? I'm from a
different planet." I never saw her
again.
FORD
Zaphod?
DENT
Yes. He only had the two arms and
the one head and he called himself
Phil, but…
TRILLIAN
(From behind Dent)
But you must admit he did turn out
to be from another planet.
TRILLIAN smiles pleasantly at DENT. She stands next to a
cage, feeding the two mice inside.
DENT
Tricia McMillan? What are you
doing here?
TRILLIAN
Same as you. I hitched a lift.
With a degree in math and another
in astrophysics what else was there
to do? It was either that or the
dole queue again on Monday.
EDDIE
Infinity minus one. Improbability
sum now complete.
ZAPHOD
Trillian, is this sort of thing
going to happen every time we use
the Improbability Drive?
TRILLIAN
Very probably, I'm afraid.
EXT. HORSEHEAD NEBULA
The Heart of Gold flies through the deep nebular cloud.
INT. ZAPHOD'S STATEROOM
Trillian opens ZAPHOD's door and stands silhouetted in the
doorway.
TRILLIAN
(Quietly)
Zaphod? You awake?
ZAPHOD
(Obviously wide awake, but
not happy about it)
Yeah, but don't remind me.
TRILLIAN
I think we just found what you came
to look for.
ZAPHOD
Hey, yeah?
INT. BRIDGE
FORD enters to find TRILLIAN and ZAPHOD huddled over the
controls. FORD walks toward them.
TRILLIAN
See? The ship's about to move into
orbit. There's a planet out there.
It's at the exact coordinates you
predicted.
ZAPHOD
(Noticing Ford)
Ford! Hey, come and take a look at
this.
FORD comes over and looks at a screen flashing numbers.
ZAPHOD
You recognize those Galactic
coordinates?
FORD
No.
ZAPHOD
I'll give you a clue. Computer!
EDDIE
Hi, gang! This is getting real
sociable, isn't it?
ZAPHOD
Shut up and show the screens.
The screens suddenly become blank.
ZAPHOD
Recognize that?
FORD
Er, no.
ZAPHOD
What do you see?
FORD
Nothing.
ZAPHOD
Yeah. Recognize it?
FORD
What are you talking about?
ZAPHOD
We're in the middle of the
Horsehead Nebula. One whole vast
dark cloud.
FORD
And I was meant to recognize that
from a blank screen?
ZAPHOD
Inside a dark nebula is the only
place in the Galaxy you'd see a
dark screen.
FORD
What's so interesting about being
stuck in a dust cloud?
ZAPHOD
What would you reckon to find here?
FORD
Nothing.
ZAPHOD
No stars? No planets?
FORD
No.
ZAPHOD
Computer! Rotate the angle of
vision through one hundred-eighty
degrees and don't talk about it!
A red star appears, followed by another. Then a vast
crescent appears in the corner. A red glare shading away
into the deep, black night side of a planet.
FORD
What is it?
ZAPHOD
That… is the most improbable planet
that ever existed.
INT. ARTHUR'S WARDROOM
ARTHUR wakes up, still wearing the same clothes he had on
before. Muffled voices are audible. He leaves his room.
INT. BRIDGE
ARTHUR enters.
FORD
You're crazy, Zaphod. Magrathea is
a myth. A fairy story. A
cautionary tale for kids who want
to grow up to be economists, it's…
ZAPHOD
It's what we are currently in orbit
about.
FORD
Look, I can't help what you may
personally be in orbit around, but
this ship…
ZAPHOD
Computer!
EDDIE
Hi there! This is Eddie, your
shipboard computer, and I know I'm
just going to get a bundle of kicks
out of any program you care to run
through me.
ARTHUR looks at TRILLIAN. TRILLIAN motions for him to come
over quietly.
ZAPHOD
Computer, tell us what our present
trajectory is.
EDDIE
A real pleasure, feller! We are
currently in orbit around the
legendary planet of Magrathea.
FORD
Proving nothing. I wouldn't trust
that computer to speak my weight.
EDDIE
I can do that for you, sure! I can
even work out your personality
problems to ten decimal places if
it will help.
ARTHUR
(Quietly)
Trillian, what's going on?
TRILLIAN
I only know what Zaphod's told me.
Apparently Magrathea is some kind
of legend from way back which no
one seriously believes in. Bit
like Atlantis on Earth, except that
the legends say the Magratheans
used to manufacture planets.
Zaphod, we're on the daylight side of the planet, so now's
the time to take a look.
FORD
Well, even supposing it is…
ZAPHOD
It is.
FORD
Which it isn't, what do you want
with it anyway? There's nothing
there.
ZAPHOD
Not on the surface.
FORD
All right, but I take it you're not
here for the sheer industrial
archeology. What are you after?
ZAPHOD
Well, it's partly the curiosity,
partly a sense of adventure, but
mostly I think it's the fame and
money.
FORD
You don't have any idea why you're
here, do you?
The gray, barren surface of Magrathea rolls across the
screens.
TRILLIAN
You know, I don't like the look of
that planet at all.
ZAPHOD
Ah, take no notice. With half the
wealth of the former Galactic
Empire stashed away in it, it can
afford to look frumpy.
DENT
The suspense is killing me.
Scene pauses.
V.O.
Stress and nervous tension are now serious social problems in
all parts of the Galaxy, and it is in order that this
situation should not in any way be exacerbated, the following
facts will be revealed in advance. The planet in question
is, in fact, Magrathea. The missile attack shortly to be
launched will result merely in the breakage of three coffee
cups and a mouse cage, the bruising of somebody's upper arm,
and the untimely creation and sudden demise of a bowl of
petunias and an innocent sperm whale.
In order that some sense of mystery still be preserved, no
revelation will yet be made concerning whose upper arm
sustains the bruise.
The scene resumes.
DENT
Is it safe?
ZAPHOD
Magrathea's been dead for ten
million years. Even the ghosts
will have settled down and raised
families by now.
Suddenly, the cabin is filled with a thin, ancient fanfare
and the sound of a voice that is pleasant, but menacing.
VOICE
Greetings to you…
ZAPHOD
Computer!
EDDIE
Hi there!
ZAPHOD
What the photon is that?
EDDIE
Oh just some ten-million-year-old
tape that's being broadcast at us.
ZAPHOD
A what? A recording?
FORD
Shh! It's carrying on.
VOICE
This is a recorded announcement, as
we are all out at the moment. The
commercial council of Magrathea
thanks you for your esteemed visit…
ZAPHOD
A voice from ancient Magrathea!
FORD
Okay, okay.
VOICE
(Continuing)
…but regrets that the entire planet
is temporarily closed for business.
Thank you. If you would care to
leave your name and the address of
a planet where you can be
contacted, kindly speak when you
hear the tone.
A short buzz follows.
TRILLIAN
They want to get rid of us. What
do we do?
ZAPHOD
It's just a recording. We keep
going. Got that, computer?
EDDIE
I got it.
VOICE
We would like to assure you that as
soon as our business is resumed
announcements will be made in all
fashionable magazines and color
supplements.
(Voice becomes even more
menacing)
Meanwhile, we thank our clients for
their kind interest and would ask
them to leave. Now.
DENT looks at everyone's nervous faces.
DENT
Well, I suppose we'd better be
going then, hadn't we?
ZAPHOD
Shh! There's absolutely nothing to
be worried about.
DENT
Then why's everyone so tense?
ZAPHOD
They're just interested! Computer,
start a descent into the atmosphere
and prepare for landing.
VOICE
(With a misplaced
cheerfulness.)
It is most gratifying that your
enthusiasm continues unabated, so
we would like to assure you that
the guided missiles currently
converging on your ship are part of
a special service we extend to all
of our most enthusiastic clients.
The fully armed nuclear warheads
are, of course, merely a courtesy
detail. We look forward to your
custom in future lives. Thank you.
TRILLIAN
Oh.
ZAPHOD
Look, will you get it into your
heads? That's just a recorded
message. It's millions of years
old. It doesn't apply to us, get
it?
FORD taps ZAPHOD on the shoulder and points to another screen
where two silver darts climb through the atmosphere. Another
monitor shows the two rockets in detail.
FORD
I think it's going to have a very
good try at applying to us.
ZAPHOD
Hey, this is terrific! Someone
down there is trying to kill us.
DENT
Wonderful.
ZAPHOD
But don't you see what this means?
DENT
Yes. We're going to die.
ZAPHOD
Apart from that.
DENT
What do you mean, apart from that?
ZAPHOD
It means we must be on to
something!
DENT
How soon can we get off it?
TRILLIAN
As a matter of interest, what are
we going to do?
ZAPHOD
Just keep cool.
TRILLIAN
Is that all?
ZAPHOD
No, we're also going to… er… take
evasive action! Computer, what
evasive action can we take?
EDDIE
Er, none, I'm afraid guys.
ZAPHOD
Oh. Well then… we'll, er…
EDDIE
There seems to be something jamming
my guidance systems. Impact minus
forty-five seconds. Please call me
Eddie if it will help you to relax.
ZAPHOD
Right! Er… we've got to get manual
control of this ship.
FORD
(Pleasantly)
Can you fly it?
ZAPHOD
No, can you?
FORD
No.
ZAPHOD
Trillian?
TRILLIAN
No.
ZAPHOD
Fine. We'll do it together.
DENT
I can't either.
ZAPHOD
I'd guessed that. Okay, computer,
I want full manual control now.
EDDIE
You got it!
Several large banks of very complex controls open up,
spraying the floor with Styrofoam and packaging materials.
ZAPHOD
Okay, Ford, full retro thrust and
ten degrees starboard. Or
something.
EDDIE
Good luck guys! Impact minus
thirty seconds.
Ford immediately pulls a sequence of levers, spinning the
ship around and causing everyone to be thrown against the
suddenly inflated airbags lining the walls. Zaphod struggles
to kick a lever, which snaps off. The crew is thrown in new
directions. GUIDE starts explaining how to make a Pan
Galactic Gargle Blaster. The ship drops like a stone.
DENT
Ow! My arm!
Scene pauses.
V.O.
It was Arthur Dent's arm that was bruised.
Scene resumes.
EDDIE
Impact minus twenty seconds, guys.
ZAPHOD
Turn the bloody engines back on!
EDDIE
Oh, sure thing guys!
The engines start again. Everyone is lying on the ceiling.
The missiles cross the path of the ship, going in the
opposite direction.
EDDIE
Revised impact time. Fifteen
seconds.
DENT
This is it. We are now quite
definitely going to die, aren't we?
FORD
I wish you'd stop saying that.
DENT
Well, we are, aren't we?
FORD
Yes.
DENT
(Struggling to his feet)
Why doesn't anybody turn on the
Improbability Drive thing? We
could probably reach that.
ZAPHOD
What are you, crazy? Without
proper programming anything could
happen.
DENT
Does it matter at this stage?
DENT scrambles to reach one of the panels. Pressing one of
them, there is a burst of noise and light.
EXT. SPACE
The Heart of Gold flies calmly along.
INT. BRIDGE
The bridge is the same size and shape, but is now a simulated
conservatory. Around the edges stand marble tables with the
hints of computer controls and instruments on their surfaces.
Mirrors reflect the proper data readouts, though they are not
really reflected from anywhere. A spiral staircase leading
nowhere stands next to a stone sundial pedestal housing the
main computer terminal.
ZAPHOD is sitting in a wicker sun-chair, DENT and TRILLIAN
lounge next to a fishpond and FORD sits on the stairway
holding a drink.
ZAPHOD
What the hell happened?
DENT
Well, I was just saying there's
this Improbability Drive switch
over here…
(he waves at a potted
plant)
FORD
But where are we?
TRILLIAN
Exactly where we were, I think…
The mirrors turn to show the face of Magrathea moving beneath
them.
ZAPHOD
Then what's happened to the
missiles?
FORD
They would appear to have turned
into a bowl of petunias and a very
surprised looking whale.
EDDIE
At an Improbability of two to the
power of eight million seven
hundred and sixty seven thousand
one hundred and twenty-eight to one
against.
ZAPHOD
Did you think of that Earthman?
DENT
Well, all I did was…
ZAPHOD
That's very good thinking, you
know. Turn on the Improbability
Drive for a second without first
activating the proofing screens.
Hey, kid, you just saved our lives,
you know that?
DENT
Oh, well, it was nothing really…
ZAPHOD
Wasn't it? Oh well, forget it
then. Okay, computer, take us in
to land.
DENT
But…
ZAPHOD
I said forget it.
The ship lands on the cold, gray surface of Magrathea.
INT. BRIDGE
FORD, ZAPHOD and DENT are preparing for the cold harshness of
Magrathea. MARVIN stands hunched under a palm tree.
FORD
Are we taking the robot with us?
ZAPHOD
Oh, the Paranoid Android. Yeah,
we'll take him. Come on.
DENT
But what are you supposed to do
with a manically depressed robot?
MARVIN
You think you've got problems, what
are you supposed to do if you ARE a
manically depressed robot? No,
don't bother to answer that. I'm
fifty thousand times more
intelligent than you and even I
don't know the answer. It gives me
a headache just trying to think
down to your level.
TRILLIAN bursts in.
TRILLIAN
My white mice have escaped!
ZAPHOD
Nuts to your white mice. Let's go.
They depart.
INT. AIRLOCK
ZAPHOD, FORD, TRILLIAN, DENT and MARVIN all stand in the
close confines of the small room.
EDDIE
(With a matriarchal tone)
Good afternoon, boys.
FORD, TRILLIAN AND DENT look confused by the unfamiliar
voice.
ZAPHOD
It's the computer. I discovered a
back-up personality that I thought
might work out better.
EDDIE
Now this is your first day going
out on a strange new planet, so I
want you all wrapped up snug and
warm, and no playing with any
naughty bug-eyed monsters.
ZAPHOD
I'm sorry. We'd be better off with
a slide rule.
EDDIE
Right! Who said that?
ZAPHOD
Will you open up the exit hatch,
please, computer?
EDDIE
Not until whoever said that owns
up.
FORD
Oh God.
FORD begins counting up from one.
EDDIE
Come on.
ZAPHOD
Computer…
EDDIE
I'm waiting. I can wait all day if
necessary.
ZAPHOD
Computer… if you don't open the
exit hatch this moment I shall zap
straight off to your major data
banks and reprogram you with a very
large ax, got that?
EDDIE
(After a cold silence)
I can see this relationship is
something we're all going to have
to work at.
The hatchway opens and a cold wind blows into the airlock.
EDDIE
It'll all end in tears, I know it.
DENT, FORD, ZAPHOD, MARVIN and TRILLIAN exit.
EXT. MAGRATHEA DAY
Barren, gray and brown landscape. Cold. Bleak. ZAPHOD,
TRILLIAN, FORD, DENT and MARVIN walk together before ZAPHOD
runs ahead over a slight rise.
DENT
It's fantastic…
FORD
Desolate hole, if you ask me. I
could have more fun in cat litter.
DENT
No, don't you understand? This is
the first time I've actually stood
on the surface of another planet.
A whole alien world! Pity it's
such a dump, though.
ZAPHOD reappears atop the rise, waving everybody forward.
Bits of fresh whale meat dot the landscape. They reach the
top of the rise to look down into a 150-yard wide crater with
a squashed whale in the middle.
ZAPHOD
(Pointing inside)
Look!
FORD
Ugh.
DENT
I suppose there's no point in
trying to bury it.
ZAPHOD
Come on.
TRILLIAN
What, down there?
ZAPHOD
Yeah, come on. I've got something
to show you.
TRILLIAN
We can see it.
ZAPHOD
Not that, something else. I've
found a way in.
DENT
In?
ZAPHOD
Into the interior of the planet!
An underground passage. The force
of the whale's impact cracked it
open, and that's where we have to
go. Where no man has trod these
ten million years, into the very
depths of time itself…
MARVIN hums another entirely inappropriate tune for the
moment until ZAPHOD hits him. They climb down the crater.
MARVIN
Life. Loathe it or ignore it, you
can't like it.
ZAPHOD shines a light into a now-opened underground passage.
ZAPHOD
According to the legends, the
Magratheans lived most of their
lives underground.
DENT
Why's that? Pollution?
Overpopulation?
ZAPHOD
No, I think they just didn't like
it very much.
TRILLIAN
Are you sure you know what you're
doing? We've been attacked once
already, you know.
ZAPHOD
Look kid, I promise you the live
population of this planet is nil
plus the four of us, so let's get
on in there. Er, hey, Earthman…
DENT
Arthur.
ZAPHOD
Yeah, could you just sort of keep
this robot with you and guard this
end of the passageway?
DENT
Guard? What from? You just said
there's no one here.
ZAPHOD
Yeah, well, just for safety, okay?
DENT
Whose? Mine or yours?
ZAPHOD
Good lad. Okay, here we go.
ZAPHOD, TRILLIAN and FORD scramble into the passage.
DENT
Well, I hope you all have a really
miserable time.
MARVIN
Don't worry, they will.
INT. DARK MAGRATHEAN PASSAGEWAY
ZAPHOD leads the contingent down the passageway. Dust covers
everything. Rooms filled with derelict computer equipment
sprout off on either side.
ZAPHOD
There, what did I tell you? And
inhabited planet. Magrathea.
FORD
Look, you reckon this is Magrathea…
ZAPHOD
You heard the voice, right? This
planet doesn't have any problem
believing it's Magrathea.
FORD
Okay, so I've bought the fact that
it's Magrathea - for the moment.
What you have so far said nothing
about is how in the Galaxy you
found it. You didn't just look it
up in a star atlas, that's for
sure.
ZAPHOD
Research. Government archives.
Detective work. A few lucky
guesses. Easy.
FORD
And then you stole the Heart of
Gold to come and look for it?
ZAPHOD
I stole it to look for a lot of
things.
FORD
Like what?
ZAPHOD
I don't know.
FORD
What?
ZAPHOD
I don't know what I'm looking for.
FORD
Why not?
ZAPHOD
Because… I think it might be
because if I know I wouldn't be
able to look for them.
FORD
What are you, crazy?
ZAPHOD
It's a possibility I haven't ruled
out yet. I only know as much about
myself as my mind can work out in
its current conditions. And its
current conditions are not good.
FORD
(Concerned)
Listen, old friend, if you want to…
ZAPHOD
No, wait… I'll tell you something.
I freewheel a lot. I get an idea
to do something and, hey, why not?
I do it. I reckon I'll become
President of the Galaxy, and it
just happens, it's easy. I decide
to steal that ship. I decide to
look for Magrathea. And it all
just happens. Yeah, I work out how
it can best be done, but it always
happens. It's like having a credit
card that keeps on working even
though you never send off the
checks. And then whenever I stop
and think - why did I want to do
something? How did I work out how
to do it? - I get a very strong
desire to stop thinking about it.
Like I have now. It's a big effort
to talk about it. It's like
someone else is using my mind to
have good ideas but not telling me
about it. Last night I was
worrying about this again and
decided that maybe somebody had
locked off part of my mind for that
purpose, which was why I couldn't
use it. I decided to check. I
went to the ship's medical bay and
plugged myself into an
encephalographic screen. I went
through every major screening test
on both my heads - all the tests I
had to go through under Government
medical officers before my
nomination for Presidency could be
ratified.
They showed that I was a clever,
imaginative, irresponsible
extrovert. Nothing you couldn't
have guessed. But no other
anomalies. So I started inventing
other tests, completely at random.
Nothing. Then I tried
superimposing the results from one
head on top of the other head.
Still nothing. Finally, I got
silly, because I'd given it all up
as nothing more than paranoia.
Last thing I did before I packed it
in was take the super-imposed
picture and look at it through a
green filter. You remember I was
always superstitious about the
color green when I was a kid? I
always wanted to be a pilot on one
of the trading scouts?
FORD nods.
ZAPHOD
And there it was, clear as day. A
whole section in the middle of both
brains that related only to the
other and not to anything else
around them. Some bastard had
cauterized all the synapses and
electronically traumatized those
two lumps of cerebellum.
FORD is aghast. TRILLIAN is pale with terror.
FORD
Somebody did that to you?
ZAPHOD
Yeah.
FORD
But have you any idea who? Or why?
ZAPHOD
Why? I can only guess. But I do
know who the bastard was.
FORD
You know? How do you know?
ZAPHOD
Because they left their initials
burned into the cauterized
synapses. They left them there for
me to see.
FORD
Initials? Burned into your brains?
ZAPHOD
Yeah.
FORD
Well what were they, for God's
sake?
ZAPHOD
(Reluctantly)
Z.B.
Steel doors slams shut around them and gas pours in.
ZAPHOD
(Choking)
I'll tell you about it later.
ZAPHOD, FORD and TRILLIAN pass out.
EXT. MAGRATHEA SUNSET
ARTHUR sits on the edge of the crater watching the two suns
set. He opens the GUIDE and presses a couple of buttons.
GUIDE
The History of every Galactic
Civilization tends to pass through
three distinct and recognizable
phases: those of Survival, Inquiry
and Sophistication. Otherwise
known as the How, Why and Where
phases. For instance, the first
phase is characterized by the
question, "How can we eat?" the
second by the question, "Why do we
eat?" and the third by the
question, "Where shall we have
lunch?"
DENT closes the Guide and wakes MARVIN.
DENT
Night's falling. Look, robot, the
stars are coming out.
A few faint stars are visible in the nebula.
MARVIN
I know. Wretched isn't it?
DENT
But that sunset! I've never seen
anything like it in my wildest
dreams… the two suns! It was like
mountains of fire boiling into
space.
MARVIN
I've seen it. It's rubbish.
DENT
We only ever had the one sun at
home. I come from a planet called
Earth, you know.
MARVIN
I know, you keep going on about it.
It sounds awful.
DENT
Oh no, it was a beautiful planet.
MARVIN
Did it have oceans?
DENT
Oh yes. Great, wide, rolling blue
oceans…
MARVIN
Can't bear oceans.
DENT
Tell me, do you get on well with
other robots?
MARVIN
Hate them. Where are you going?
DENT
I think I'll just take another
walk.
MARVIN
Don't blame you.
MARVIN shuts himself off.
Dent walks up to the top of the crater and, in the darkness,
runs into SLARTIBARTFAST.
SLARTIBARTFAST
(Staring off at the
horizon)
You choose a cold night to visit
our dead planet.
DENT
Who? Who are you?
SLARTIBARTFAST
My name is not important.
DENT
I… er… you startled me.
SLARTIBARTFAST
(Turns toward DENT)
Hmm?
DENT
I said you startled me.
SLARTIBARTFAST
Do not be alarmed. I will not harm
you.
DENT
But you shot at us! There were
missiles!
SLARTIBARTFAST
An automatic system. Ancient
computer systems tick away the
millennia and the ages hang heavy
on their dusty data banks. I think
they take the occasional potshot to
relieve the monotony. You seem ill
at ease.
DENT
Er, no… well, yes. Actually you
see, we weren't really expecting to
find anybody about, in fact. I
sort of gathered you were all dead
or something.
SLARTIBARTFAST
Dead? Good gracious me, no. We
have but slept.
DENT
Slept?
SLARTIBARTFAST
Yes, through the economic
recession.
DENT
Er, economic recession?
SLARTIBARTFAST
You see, ten million years ago the
Galactic economy collapsed, and
seeing that custom-built planets
are something of a luxury
commodity… You know we built
planets, do you?
DENT
Well, yes, I'd sort of gathered…
SLARTIBARTFAST
Fascinating trade. Doing the
coastlines was always my favorite.
Used to have endless fun doing the
little bits in fjords… so, anyway,
the recession came and we decided
it would save a lot of bother if we
just slept through it. So we
programmed the computers to revive
us when it was all over. The
computers were index-linked to the
Galactic stock-market prices, so
that we'd all be revived when
everybody else had rebuilt the
economy enough to afford our rather
expensive services.
DENT
That's a pretty unpleasant way to
behave, isn't it?
SLARTIBARTFAST
Is it? I'm sorry, I'm a bit out of
touch. Is that robot yours?
MARVIN
No, I'm mine.
DENT
If you'd call it a robot. It's
more a sort of electronic sulking
machine.
SLARTIBARTFAST
Bring it. Come robot.
MARVIN crawls up the slope with a show of being lame, which
he isn't.
SLARTIBARTFAST
One second thought, leave it here.
You must come with me. Great
things are afoot. Come. Come now
or you will be late.
SLARTIBARTFAST's aircar approaches them.
DENT
Late? What for?
SLARTIBARTFAST
What is your name human?
DENT
Dent. Arthur Dent.
SLARTIBARTFAST
Late, as in the late
Dentarthurdent. It's a sort of
threat, you see. I've never been
very good at them myself, but I'm
told they can be very effective.
DENT
All right, where do we go?
SLARTIBARTFAST
In my aircar. We are going deep
into the bowels of the planet where
even now our race is being revived
from its ten-million-years sleep.
Magrathea awakes.
DENT and SLARTIBARTFAST enter the aircar.
DENT
Excuse me, what is your name, by
the way?
SLARTIBARTFAST
My name? My name is
Slartibartfast.
DENT
(Stunned)
I beg your pardon?
SLARTIBARTFAST
Slartibartfast.
DENT
Slartibartfast!?
SLARTIBARTFAST
I said it wasn't important.
The aircar begins a trek across the barren planet with a
speed that is hard to determine because of the utter
desolation. They pass into an
UNDERGROUND TUNNEL
at a speed of hundreds of miles per
hour. DENT closes his eyes, then
opens them to discover they are in
a crisscross
WARREN OF CONVERGING TUNNELS.
They stop in a
LARGE CHAMBER
where many other tunnels end.
SLARTIBARTFAST
Earthman, we are now deep in the
heart of Magrathea.
DENT
How did you know I was an Earthman?
SLARTIBARTFAST
These things will become clear to
you. At least, clearer than they
are at the moment. I should warn
you that the chamber we are about
to pass into does not literally
exit within our planet. It is a
little too… large. It may disturb
you. In fact, it scares the
willies out of me.
The aircar shoots into a large circle of light. It passes
out of an enormous wall that spreads out seemingly to
infinity.
SLARTIBARTFAST
Welcome to our factory floor.
A series of scaffoldings of metal and light hang at an
enormous, indeterminate distance, holding shadowy spherical
shapes.
SLARTIBARTFAST
This is where we make most of our
planets, you see.
DENT
You mean you're starting it all up
again now?
SLARTIBARTFAST
No, no, good heavens no. The
Galaxy isn't nearly rich enough to
support us yet. We've been
awakened to perform just one
extraordinary commission for very…
special clients. It may interest
you… there in the distance in front
of us.
SLARTIBARTFAST points to a sphere in front of them, the only
one showing signs of activity. With a few flashes of light,
familiar shapes of continents become clear.
DENT
The Earth…
SLARTIBARTFAST
The Earth Mark Two, in fact. We're
making a copy from our original
blueprints.
DENT
Are you trying to tell me that you
originally… made the Earth?
SLARTIBARTFAST
Oh yes. Did you ever go to a
place… I think it was called
Norway?
DENT
No. No, I didn't.
SLARTIBARTFAST
Pity. That was one of mine. Won
an award for it, you know. Lovely
crinkly edges. I was most upset to
hear of its destruction.
DENT
You were upset!
SLARTIBARTFAST
Yes. Five minutes later and it
wouldn't have mattered so much. It
was quite a shocking cock-up.
DENT
Huh?
SLARTIBARTFAST
The mice were furious.
DENT
The MICE were furious?
SLARTIBARTFAST
Oh yes.
DENT
Yes, well, so I expect were the
dogs and cats and duck-bulled
platypuses, but…
SLARTIBARTFAST
Ah, but they hadn't paid for it,
had they?
DENT
Look, would it save you a lot of
time if I just gave up and went
made now?
SLARTIBARTFAST
Earthman, the planet you lived on
was commissioned, paid for and run
by mice. It was destroyed five
minutes before the completion of
the purpose for which it was built,
so now we've got to build another
one.
DENT
Mice?
SLARTIBARTFAST
Indeed, Earthman.
DENT
Look, sorry, are we talking about
the little white furry things with
the cheese fixation and women
standing on tables screaming in
early sixties sitcoms?
SLARTIBARTFAST
Earthman, it is sometimes hard to
follow your mode of speech.
Remember, I have been asleep in
this planet of Magrathea for ten
million years and know little of
these early sixties sitcoms of
which you speak. These creatures
you call mice are not quite as they
appear. They are merely the
protrusion into our dimension of
vastly hyperintelligent,
pandimensional beings. The whole
business with the cheese and the
squeaking is just a front. They've
been experimenting on you, I'm
afraid.
DENT
Ah, no. I see the source of the
misunderstandings now. No, look,
you see what happened was that we
used to do experiments on them.
They were often used in behavioral
research, Pavlov and all that sort
of stuff. From our observations of
them ringing bells and running
around mazes and such we were able
to learn all sorts of things about
our own…
SLARTIBARTFAST
Such subtlety. One has to admire
it.
DENT
What?
SLARTIBARTFAST
How better to disguise their real
natures, and how better to guide
your thinking?
Suddenly running down a maze the
wrong way, eating the wrong bit of
cheese, unexpectedly dropping dead
of myxomatosis. If it's finely
calculated, the cumulative effect
is enormous. You see, Earthman,
they really are particularly
clever. Your planet and people
have formed the matrix of an
organic computer running a ten
million-year research program. Let
me tell you the story. That is,
unless you would care to take a
quick stroll on the surface of New
Earth.
DENT
No thank you. It wouldn't be quite
the same.
SLARTIBARTFAST
No, it won't be. The story begins
with Deep Thought, a computer these
beings constructed to determine the
Answer.
DENT
The answer to what?
SLARTIBARTFAST
To Life, the Universe and
Everything. A seven-and-a-half
million year program to answer the
Ultimate Question. A remarkable
undertaking, wouldn't you say?
Seven and a half million years they
waited for the Answer. Luminaries
pondered, seers sought, sages
discussed, and Philosophers grew
very rich for all this sudden
interest in their work. Then, the
Day of the Answer finally came.
DENT
You mean to say there is one?
SLARTIBARTFAST
Yes, after thousands of
generations, Deep Thought gave them
the Answer.
There is much I could tell you
about that day, but, now, allow me
to invite you to my study where you
can experience the events yourself
on our Sens-O-Tape records.
INT. SLARTIBARTFAST'S STUDY DAY
Books and papers are strewn about everywhere.
SLARTIBARTFAST
Terribly unfortunate, a diode blew
in one of the life-support
computers. When we tried to revive
our cleaning staff we discovered
they'd been dead for nearly thirty
thousand years. Who's going to
clear away the bodies, that's what
I want to know. Look, why don't
you sit yourself down over there
and let me plug you in?
SLARTIBARTFAST rummages about for a bit before he finds two
stripped wire ends, which he hands to DENT.
SLARTIBARTFAST
Here, hold these.
DENT grabs the ends and everything goes black.
EXT. CITY DAY
A tree-lined square is filled with people. White buildings
stand all around. The sun is bright, the faces are happy and
everything has the air of a carnival. A dais stands outside
the Deep Thought control room, where MAN ON DAIS addresses
the crowds.
MAN ON DAIS
(Into a microphone)
O people who wait in the shadow of
Deep Thought, the Time of Waiting
is over! Seven and a half million
years, our race has waited for this
Great and Hopefully Enlightening
Day! The Day of the Answer!
Never again will we wake up in the
morning and think "Who am I?",
"What is my purpose in life?",
"Does it really, cosmically
speaking, matter if I don't get up
and go to work?" For today we will
finally learn once and for all the
plain and simple answer to all
these nagging little problems of
Life, the Universe and Everything!
INT. DEEP THOUGHT CONTROL ROOM DAY
LOONQUAWL and PHOUCHG sit at the controls.
LOONQUAWL
The time is nearly upon us.
PHOUCHG
Seventy-five thousand generations
ago, our ancestors set this program
in motion and in all that time we
will be the first to hear the
computer speak.
LOONQUAWL
An awesome prospect, Phouchg.
PHOUCHG
We are the ones who will hear the
Answer to the great question of
Life!
LOONQUAWL
The Universe!
PHOUCHG
And Everything!
Lights on the panels light up. Controls come to life. A low
hum emanates from the speakers.
LOONQUAWL
Shh. I think Deep Thought is
preparing to speak.
DEEP THOUGHT
Good morning.
LOONQUAWL
Er… good morning, O Deep Thought.
Do you have, er, that is…
DEEP THOUGHT
An answer for you? Yes, I have.
PHOUCHG
To Everything? To the great
Question of Life, the Universe and
Everything?
DEEP THOUGHT
Yes.
LOONQUAWL
And you're ready to give it to us?
DEEP THOUGHT
I am.
LOONQUAWL
Now?
DEEP THOUGHT
Now. Though I don't think that
you're going to like it.
PHOUCHG
It doesn't matter! We must know
it! Now!
LOONQUAWL
Yes, now!
DEEP THOUGHT
All right. You're really not
going to like it.
PHOUCHG
Tell us!
DEEP THOUGHT
All right. The Answer to the Great
Question…
LOONQUAWL & PHOUCHG
Yes…!
DEEP THOUGHT
Of Life, the Universe and
Everything…
LOONQUAWL & PHOUCHG
Yes…!
DEEP THOUGHT
Is…
LOONQUAWL & PHOUCHG
Yes…!
DEEP THOUGHT
I'm sure you're not going to like
it.
LOONQUAWL
Get on with it!
DEEP THOUGHT
Very well. The Answer to the Great
Question of Life, the Universe and
Everything is…
LOONQUAWL & PHOUCHG
Yes…!!!…?
DEEP THOUGHT
(Majestically)
Forty-two.
Stunned silence. PHOUCHG looks out the window at the
expectant faces.
PHOUCHG
We're going to get lynched aren't
we?
DEEP THOUGHT
It was a tough assignment.
LOONQUAWL
Forty-two! Is that all you've got
to show for seven and a half
million years' work?
DEEP THOUGHT
I checked it very thoroughly and
that quite definitely is the
answer. I think the problem, to be
quite honest with you, is that
you've never actually known what
the question is.
LOONQUAWL
But it was the Great Question! The
Ultimate Question of Life, the
Universe and Everything.
DEEP THOUGHT
Yes, but what actually is it?
PHOUCHG
Well, you know, it's just
Everything… everything…
DEEP THOUGHT
Exactly! So once you do know what
the question actually is, you'll
know what the answer means.
PHOUCHG
Oh. Terrific.
LOONQUAWL
Look, all right, all right, can you
just please tell us the Question?
DEEP THOUGHT
The Ultimate Question?
LOONQUAWL
Yes!
DEEP THOUGHT
Of Life, the Universe and
Everything?
PHOUCHG
Yes!
DEEP THOUGHT
Tricky.
LOONQUAWL
But can you do it?
DEEP THOUGHT
No.
LOONQUAWL slumps back into his chair as PHOUCHG buries his
face in his hands.
DEEP THOUGHT
But I'll tell you who can.
LOONQUAWL
Who? Tell us!
DEEP THOUGHT
I speak of none but the computer
that is to come after me.
A computer whose merest operational
parameters I am not worthy to
calculate - and yet I will design
it for you. A computer that can
calculate the Question to the
Ultimate Answer, a computer of such
infinite and subtle complexity that
organic life itself shall form part
of its operational matrix. And you
yourselves shall take on new forms
and go down into the computer to
navigate its ten-million-year
program! Yes! I shall design this
computer for you. And I shall name
it also unto you. And it shall be
called… the Earth.
LOONQUAWL
The Earth.
PHOUCHG
What a dull name.
LOONQUAWL and PHOUCHG are torn to pieces as the room crashes
through its own roof.
INT. SLARTIBARTFAST'S OFFICE
SLARTIBARTFAST stands across from DENT, holding the two
wires.
SLARTIBARTFAST
End of the tape.
EXT. A PLANET MADE ENTIRELY OF GOLD DAY
FORD and TRILLIAN stand over an inert ZAPHOD, trying to rouse
him.
FORD
Zaphod! Wake up!
ZAPHOD
Mmmmwwwerrr?
FORD
Hey, come on. Wake up.
ZAPHOD
Just let me stick to what I'm good
at, yeah?
FORD
Do you want me to kick you?
ZAPHOD
Would it give you a lot of
pleasure?
FORD
No.
ZAPHOD
Nor me. So what's the point? Stop
bugging me.
TRILLIAN
He got a double dose of the gas.
Two windpipes.
ZAPHOD
And stop talking. It's hard enough
trying to sleep anyway. What's the
matter with the ground? It's all
cold and hard.
FORD
It's gold.
ZAPHOD pops up and scans the stunning, golden vistas of the
planet.
ZAPHOD
Who put all that there?
FORD
Don't get excited. It's only a
catalog.
ZAPHOD
A who?
TRILLIAN
A catalog. An illusion.
ZAPHOD kneels down and scratches the surface of the gold. It
is slightly soft, just like real gold.
ZAPHOD
How can you say that?
FORD
Trillian and I came around a while
ago.
We shouted and yelled till somebody
came and then we carried on
shouting and yelling till they got
fed up and put us in their planet
catalog until they were ready to
deal with us. This is all Sens-O
Tape.
ZAPHOD
Aw, shit. You wake me from my own
perfectly good dream to show me
somebody else's.
TRILLIAN
Be glad we decided against waking
you earlier. The last planet was
knee-deep in fish.
ZAPHOD
Fish?
TRILLIAN
Some people like the oddest things.
FORD
And before that we had platinum.
Bit dull. We thought you'd like to
see this one, though.
ZAPHOD
Very pretty.
A huge green number appears in the sky, then flickers and
changes. Now the three stand on
A PLANET GAUDY WITH PRIMARY AND SECONDARY COLORS
A purple sea with a beach of yellow and green pebbles appears
with red mountains in the distance. TRILLIAN, FORD and
ZAPHOD all express their displeasure with the hideous
decorating.
CATALOG VOICE (O.S.)
Whatever your tastes, Magrathea can
cater to you. We are not proud.
The sky fills with parachuting, naked women. Then the scene
changes into
A MEADOW FULL OF COWS.
ZAPHOD
Ow! My brains!
FORD
You want to talk about it?
ZAPHOD
Yeah, okay.
FORD, TRILLIAN and ZAPHOD all sit down.
ZAPHOD
I figure this. Whatever happened
to my mind, I did it. And I did it
in such a way that it couldn't be
detected by the Government
screening tests. And I wasn't to
know about it myself. Pretty crazy
right?
FORD and TRILLIAN nod.
ZAPHOD
So I reckon what's so secret that I
can't let anybody know it? Not the
Galactic Government, not even
myself. And the answer is, I don't
know. Obviously. But I put a few
things together and I can begin to
guess. When did I decide to run
for President? Shortly after the
death of Yooden Vranx. You
remember Yooden, Ford.
FORD
Yeah, from way back. That Arcturan
captain. Said you were the most
amazing kid he'd ever met.
TRILLIAN
What's all this?
FORD
Ancient history. When we were kids
together on Betelgeuse. Back then,
Arcturan megafreighters used to
carry most of the bulky trade
between the Galactic Center and the
outlying regions.
The Betelgeuse trading scouts used
to find the markets and the
Arcturans would supply them. They
were real brutes of ships, and
huge. In orbit around a planet
they would eclipse the sun. One
day, young Zaphod here decided to
raid one. On a trijet scooter
designed for stratosphere work. A
mere kid. I mean forget it, it was
crazier than a mad monkey. I went
along for the ride because I'd got
some very safe money on him not
doing it, and didn't want him
coming back with fake evidence. So
what happens? We get in his
trijet, which he had souped up into
something totally other, crossed
three parsecs in a matter of weeks,
bust our way into a megafreighter I
still don't know how, marched onto
the bridge waving toy pistols and
demanding conkers. A wilder thing
I have not known. Lost me a year's
pocket money. For what? Conkers.
ZAPHOD
The captain was this really amazing
guy, Yooden Vranx.. He gave us
food, booze - stuff from really
weird parts of the Galaxy- lots of
conkers, of course, and we had just
the most incredible time. Then he
teleported us back. Into the
maximum-security wing of the
Betelgeuse state prison. He was a
cool guy. Went on to become
President of the Galaxy.
The scene changes to A DARK, SHADOWY WORLD. Mists swirl
about as large shapes lurk in the shadows. The air is rent
with ghastly noises.
ZAPHOD
Ford.
FORD
Yeah?
ZAPHOD
Just before Yooden died he came to
see me.
FORD
What? You never told me.
ZAPHOD
No.
FORD
What did he say? What did he come
to see you about?
ZAPHOD
He told me about the Heart of Gold.
It was his idea that I should steal
it.
FORD
His idea?
ZAPHOD
Yeah. And the only possible way of
stealing it was to be at the
launching ceremony.
FORD
Are you telling me that you set
yourself up to become President of
the Galaxy just to steal that ship?
ZAPHOD
That's it.
FORD
But why? What's so important about
having it?
ZAPHOD
Dunno. I think if I'd consciously
known what was so important about
it, it would have shown up in the
brain screening tests. I think
Yooden told me a lot of things that
are still locked away.
FORD
So you think you went and mucked
about inside your own brain as a
result of Yooden talking to you?
ZAPHOD
He was a hell of a talker.
FORD
Yeah, but Zaphod, old mate. You
want to look after yourself, you
know. I mean, don't you have any
inkling of the reasons for all
this?
ZAPHOD
No. I don't seem to be letting
myself into any of my secrets.
Still, I can understand that. I
wouldn't trust myself further than
I could spit a rat.
That catalog vanishes and the Zaphod, Trillian and Ford find
themselves sitting in
A PLUSH WAITING ROOM
A tall MAGRATHEAN MAN is standing there.
MAGRATHEAN MAN
The mice will see you now.
INT. SLARTIBARTFAST'S STUDY
SLARTIBARTFAST sits behind his desk and DENT sits in front of
it.
SLARTIBARTFAST
So there you have it. Deep Thought
designed the Earth. We built it
and you lived on it.
DENT
And the Vogons came and destroyed
it five minutes before the program
was completed.
SLARTIBARTFAST
Yes. Ten million years of planning
and work gone just like that. Ten
million years, Earthman. Can you
conceive of that kind of time span?
A galactic civilization could grow
from a single worm five times over
in that time. Gone. Well, that's
bureaucracy for you.
DENT
You know, all this explains a lot
of things. All through my life
I've had this strange,
unaccountable feeling that
something was going on in the
world. Something big, even
sinister, and no one would tell me
what it was.
SLARTIBARTFAST
No, that's just perfectly normal
paranoia. Everyone in the Universe
has that.
DENT
Everyone? Well, if everyone has
that perhaps it means something!
Perhaps somewhere outside the
Universe we know…
SLARTIBARTFAST
Maybe. Who cares? Perhaps I'm old
and tired. But I always think the
chances of finding out what really
is going on are so remote that the
only thing to do is to not worry
about it and just keep yourself
occupied. Look at me: I design
coastlines. I got an award for
Norway.
SLARTIBARTFAST rummages around in his desk and pulls out a
plexiglass block with his name on it and a model of Norway
molded into it.
SLARTIBARTFAST (CONT'D)
Where's the sense in that? I've
been doing fjords all my life. For
a fleeting moment they become
fashionable and I get a major
award.
(Tosses the award
carefully aside.)
In this replacement Earth we're
building they've given me Africa to
do and of course I'm doing it with
all fjords just because I happen to
like them. And they tell me it's
not equatorial enough. Equatorial!
What does it matter?
Science has achieved some wonderful
things, of course, but I'd far
rather be happy that right any day.
DENT
And are you?
SLARTIBARTFAST
No. That's where is all falls
down, of course.
DENT
Pity. It sounded like quite a good
lifestyle otherwise.
SLARTIBARTFAST
Come, your arrival on the planet
has caused considerable excitement.
It has already been hailed as the
third most improbable event in the
history of the Universe.
DENT
What were the first two?
SLARTIBARTFAST
Oh, probably just coincidences.
SLARTIBARTFAST gets up and opens the door.
DENT looks down at the dingy clothes he's been wearing since
Thursday.
DENT
I seem to be having tremendous
difficulty with my lifestyle.
SLARTIBARTFAST
I beg your pardon?
DENT
Oh nothing.
INT. DINING ROOM
SLARTIBARTFAST and DENT enter. The room is filled with glass
topped tables and plexiglass awards. Trillian, Zaphod and
Ford sit at one table, stuffing their faces with the
fantastic foods lying before them.
FORD
Arthur! You're safe!
DENT
Am I? Oh, good. What happened to
you?
ZAPHOD
Well, our hosts here have been
gassing us and zapping our minds
and generally being weird and have
given us a rather nice meal to make
it up to us. Here, have some Vegan
Rhino's cutlet. It's delicious if
you happen to like that sort of
thing.
DENT
Hosts? What hosts? I don't see
any…
BENJY
Welcome to lunch, Earth creature.
DENT examines the table and sees two mice sitting in
shotglass-like transporters.
DENT
Ugh! There are mice on the table!
Stony silence. Everyone stares at DENT.
DENT
Oh! Oh, I'm sorry. I wasn't quite
prepared for…
TRILLIAN
Let me introduce you. Arthur, this
is Benjy mouse
BENJY's glass slides forward.
TRILLIAN
(Continuing)
and this is Frankie mouse.
FRANKIE
(His glass likewise,
sliding forward)
Pleased to meet you.
DENT
But aren't they…
TRILLIAN
Yes, they are the mice I brought
with me from Earth.
(Shrugs slightly)
Could you pass me that bowl of
grated Arcturan Mega-Donkey?
DENT sits down at the table.
SLARTIBARTFAST
(Coughs politely)
Er, excuse me.
BENJY
(Sharply)
Yes, thank you, Slartibartfast.
You may go.
SLARTIBARTFAST
(Taken aback)
What? Oh… er, very well. I'll
just go and get on with some of my
fjords then.
FRANKIE
Ah, well, in fact that won't be
necessary. Not now that we have
found a native of the planet who
was there seconds before it was
destroyed.
SLARTIBARTFAST
What! You can't mean that! I've
got a thousand glaciers poised and
ready to roll over Africa!
FRANKIE
Well, perhaps you can take a quick
skiing holiday before you dismantle
them.
SLARTIBARTFAST
Skiing holiday! Those glaciers are
works of art! It would be
sacrilege to go skiing on high art!
BENJY
Thank you, Slartibartfast. That
will be all.
SLARTIBARTFAST
(Coldly)
Yes sir, thank you very much.
Well, goodbye Earthman. Hope the
lifestyle comes together.
SLARTIBARTFAST exits.
BENJY
Now, to business.
FORD & ZAPHOD
(Clinking their glasses.)
To business!
BENJY
I beg your pardon?
FORD
Oh, sorry, I thought you were
proposing a toast.
BENJY
Now, Earth creature, the situation
we have in effect is this. We
have, as you know by now, been more
or less running your planet for the
last ten million years in order to
find this wretched thing called the
Ultimate Question.
DENT
Why?
FRANKIE
No, we already thought of that one,
but it doesn't fit the answer.
"Why? Forty-two." You see, it
doesn't work.
DENT
No, I mean, why have you been doing
it?
FRANKIE
Oh. I see. Well, I think by now
just habit, to be brutally honest.
And this is more or less the point -
we're sick to the teeth with the
whole thing, and the prospect of
doing it all over again on account
of those miserable Vogons quite
frankly gives me the screaming
heebie-jeebies, you know what I
mean?
It was by the merest lucky chance
that Benjy and I finished our
particular job and left the planet
early for a quick holiday and have
since manipulated our way back to
Magrathea by the good offices of
your friends.
BENJY
Magrathea is a gateway back to our
own dimension.
FRANKIE
Since when we have had an offer of
a quite enormously fat contract to
do the 5-D chat show and lecture
circuit back in our own dimensional
neck of the woods and we're very
much inclined to take it.
ZAPHOD
I would, wouldn't you, Ford?
FORD
Oh yes, jump at it like a shot.
FRANKIE
But we've got to have product you
see. I mean, ideally, we still
need the Ultimate Question in some
form or another.
BENJY
We have to have something that
sounds good.
DENT
Something that sounds good? An
Ultimate Question that sounds good?
FRANKIE
Well, I mean yes idealism. Yes,
the dignity of pure research. Yes,
the pursuit of truth in all its
forms, but there comes a point
where you begin to suspect that if
there's any real truth, it's that
the entire multidimensional
infinity of the Universe is almost
certainly being run by a bunch of
maniacs.
And if it comes to a choice between
spending yet another ten million
years finding that out, and on the
other hand just taking the money
and running, then I for one could
do with the exercise.
DENT
But…
ZAPHOD
Hey, will you get this Earthman.
You are a last generation of a
computer matrix, right? And you
were there right up to the moment
your planet got the finger, yeah?
DENT
Er…
FORD
So your brain was an organic part
of the penultimate configuration of
the computer program.
DENT
Well…
BENJY
(Steering his to rest
right in front of DENT)
In other words, there's a good
chance that the structure of the
question is encoded in the
structure of your brain - so we
want to buy it off you.
DENT
What, the question?
FORD & TRILLIAN
Yes.
ZAPHOD
For lots of money.
FRANKIE
No, no, it's the brain we want to
buy.
DENT
What?!
FORD
I thought you said you could just
read his brain electronically.
FRANKIE
Oh yes, but we'd have to get it out
first. It's got to be prepared.
BENJY
Treated.
FRANKIE
Diced.
DENT
(Backs away from the table
in horror.)
Thank you, I'll just be off now.
BENJY
It could always be replaced if you
think it's important.
FRANKIE
Yes, an electronic brain. A simple
one would suffice.
DENT
A simple one!
BENJY
We'd just have to program it to
say, "What?" and "I don't
understand" and "Where's the tea?"
Who'd know the difference?
DENT
What?!
BENJY
See what I mean?
DENT
I'd notice the difference!
FRANKIE
No, you wouldn't. You'd be
programmed not to.
FORD
(Making for the door.)
Look, I'm sorry, mice, old lads. I
don't think we've got a deal.
FRANKIE
I rather think we have to have a
deal.
BENJY and FRANKIE, in their shot-glass transporters, fly
toward DENT. TRILLIAN tries to drag DENT, who is transfixed
by fear, away as ZAPHOD and FORD try to open the door. They
finally manage to open the door, but a small mob of LARGE MEN
holding some very menacing medical equipment block their
path. The LARGE MEN charge the group. Suddenly, alarms go
off with an ear-splitting din. The LARGE MEN instinctively
stop to listen. As the LOUDSPEAKER makes its announcement,
there is the sound of a struggle.
LOUDSPEAKER
Emergency! Emergency! Hostile
ship has landed on planet! Armed
intruders in the section 8A.
Defense stations. Defense
stations!
The LARGE MEN lie unconscious on the floor. BENJY and
FRANKIE are also on the floor, surrounded by the shards of
their transports.
FRANKIE
Damnation. All that fuss over two
pounds of Earthling brain.
BENJY
The only thing we can do now is to
invent a question that will sound
plausible.
FRANKIE
Difficult. How about "What's
yellow and dangerous?"
BENJY
No, no good. Doesn't fit the
answer. All right, "What do you
get if you multiply six by seven?"
FRANKIE
No, no, too literal, too factual.
Wouldn't sustain the punters'
interest. Here's a thought, "How
many roads must a man walk down?"
BENJY
Aha, now that is promising! Sounds
very significant without actually
tying you down to meaning anything
at all. "How many roads must a man
walk down? Forty-two." Excellent,
excellent, that'll fox 'em.
Frankie, baby, we are made!
INT. MAGRATHEAN PASSAGEWAY. ZAPHOD, TRILLIAN, FORD and DENT
run through it.
INT. COMPUTER ROOM
ZAPHOD, TRILLIAN, FORD and DENT enter a large computer room
filled with equipment.
FORD
Which way you reckon, Zaphod?
ZAPHOD
At a wild guess, I'd say down here.
They run between a computer bank and a wall before a Kill-O
Zap energy bolt fries a small section of wall ahead of them.
COP #1
(Who always speaks through
a bullhorn.)
Okay, Beeblebrox, hold it right
there, we've got you covered.
ZAPHOD
Cops! You want to try a guess at
all, Ford?
FORD
Okay, this way!
They run in another direction down a space between two sets
of computer banks. At the end of it, a heavily armed and
space-suited COP #2 waves a Kill-O-Zap gun.
COP #2
(Who always speaks on a
bullhorn)
We don't want to shoot you,
Beeblebrox!
ZAPHOD
Suits me fine!
ZAPHOD ducks between two data process units. TRILLIAN, FORD
and DENT follow.
TRILLIAN
There are two of them. We're
cornered.
ZAPHOD, TRILLIAN, FORD and DENT squeeze between a computer
bank and the wall. Suddenly, the air to either side is alive
with energy bolts that also take a toll on the computer bank
they are hiding behind.
FORD
Hey, they're shooting at us. I
thought they said they didn't want
to do that.
The firing stops.
ZAPHOD
Hey! I thought you said you didn't
want to shoot us!
COP #1
It isn't easy being a cop!
DENT
What did he say?
TRILLIAN
He said it isn't easy being a cop.
DENT
Well, surely that's his problem
isn't it?
TRILLIAN
I'd have thought so.
ZAPHOD
Hey, listen! I think we've got
enough problems of our own having
you shooting at us, so if you could
avoid laying your problems on us as
well, I think we'd all find it
easier to cope!
COP #1
Now see here, guy, you're not
dealing with any dumb two-bit
trigger-pumping morons with low
hairlines, little piggy eyes and no
conversation.
We're a couple of intelligent
caring guys that you'd probably
quite like if you met us socially.
I don't go around gratuitously
shooting people and then bragging
about it afterward in seedy space
ranger bars, like some cops I could
mention. I go around shooting
people gratuitously and then I
agonize about it afterward for
hours to my girlfriend.
COP #2
And I write novels! Though I
haven't had any of them published
yet, so I'd better warn you, I'm in
a meeeeean mood.
FORD
Who are these guys?
ZAPHOD
I think I preferred it when they
were shooting.
COP #1
So are you going to come quietly,
or are you going to let us blast
you out?
FORD
Which would you prefer?
The air fills with Kill-O-Zap bolts.
COP #1
You still there?
ZAPHOD, TRILLIAN, FORD and DENT all give their affirmatives.
COP #2
We didn't enjoy that at all.
FORD
We could tell.
COP #1
Now listen to this, Beeblebrox and
you better listen good.
ZAPHOD
Why?
COP #1
Because, it's going to be very
intelligent, and quite interesting
and humane. Now - either you all
give yourselves up now and let us
beat you up a bit, though not very
much of course because we are
firmly opposed to needless
violence, or we blow up this entire
planet and possibly one or two
other we noticed on our way out
here!
TRILLIAN
That's crazy! You wouldn't do
that!
COP #1
Oh yes, would. Wouldn't we?
COP #2
Oh yes, we'd have to, no question.
TRILLIAN
But why?
COP #1
Because there are some things you
have to do even if you are an
enlightened liberal cop who knows
all about sensitivity and
everything.
FORD
I just don't believe these guys.
COP #2
Shall we shoot them again for a
bit?
COP #1
Yeah, why not.
The firing begins anew, slowly breaking down the computer
bank. ZAPHOD, TRILLIAN, FORD and DENT huddle further down,
but the computer keeps melting and disintegrating more and
more. Suddenly, the firing stops and the silence is
punctuated only be a couple of strangled gurgles and thuds.
DENT
What happened?
ZAPHOD
They stopped.
DENT
Why?
ZAPHOD
Dunno. Do you want to go and ask
them?
DENT
No.
FORD
Hello?
Silence.
FORD
That's odd.
DENT
Perhaps it's a trap.
TRILLIAN
They haven't the wit.
DENT
What were those thuds?
ZAPHOD
Dunno.
FORD
Right, I'm going to have a look.
(Looks at the other
three.)
Is no one going to say, "No, you
can't possibly, let me go instead?"
TRILLIAN, ZAPHOD and DENT all shake their heads.
FORD
Oh well.
FORD stands up. Nothing happens. Feeling braver, he walks
into the open, past the smoking remains of the computer. He
comes upon the lifeless forms of COP #1 and COP #2.
FORD
They're dead.
ZAPHOD
(Standing up)
What? Hey! Good work, Ford!
FORD
I didn't do it. It looks like
their life support systems blew up.
ZAPHOD, DENT and TRILLIAN all walk carefully to where FORD is
standing.
FORD
This is really bizarre. Their
suits are supposed to be backed up
by the main computer on their ship.
The only way their systems could
fail like that is total feedback
malfunction and that's just unheard
of.
TRILLIAN
(Not sharing FORD's
curiosity.)
Fascinating, let's go.
DENT
Sounds good.
ZAPHOD
Agreed. If whatever I'm supposed
to be looking for is here, I don't
want it.
ZAPHOD, TRILLIAN and DENT all leave. FORD lingers a bit
before following.
EXT. MAGRATHEA NIGHT
ZAPHOD, FORD, TRILLIAN and DENT run outside to find
SLARTIBARTFAST's aircar. They jump inside.
ZAPHOD
How do you work this thing?
TRILLIAN
I think we press this button.
DENT
What makes you say that?
TRILLIAN
There's a note on it saying, "This
is probably the best button to
press."
EXT. MAGRATHEA NIGHT
The aircar speeds across the bleak landscape toward the Heart
of Gold. Next to it, stands a police ship, dangerous-looking
in shape but eerily dead. FORD turns to examine the ship as
TRILLIAN, DENT and ZAPHOD run inside the Heart of Gold. FORD
walks around the hull with curious examination. FORD nearly
trips over MARVIN, who is lying face down in the cold dust.
FORD
Marvin! What are you doing?
MARVIN
Don't feel you have to take any
notice of me, please.
FORD
But how are you metalman?
MARVIN
Very depressed.
FORD
What's up?
MARVIN
I don't know. I've never been
there.
FORD
Why are you lying face down in the
dust?
MARVIN
It's a very effective way of being
wretched. Don't pretend you want to
talk to me, I know you hate me.
FORD
No, I don't.
MARVIN
Yes, you do. Everybody does. It's
a part of the shape of the
Universe. I only have to talk to
somebody and they begin to hate me.
Even robots hate me.
If you just ignore me, I expect I
shall probably go away.
(Stands up dejectedly.)
That ship hated me.
FORD
That ship? What happened to it?
Do you know?
MARVIN
It hated me because I talked to it.
FORD
You talked to it? What do you mean
you talked to it?
MARVIN
Simple. I got very bored and
depressed, so I went and plugged
myself into its external computer
feed. I talked to the computer at
great length and explained my view
of the Universe to it.
FORD
And what happened?
MARVIN
It committed suicide.
MARVIN trudges toward the Heart of Gold.
EXT. SPACE
The Heart of Gold speeds into the inky void.
INT. BRIDGE
ZAPHOD sits thoughtfully under a palm tree, slugging down a
drink.
INT. GALLEY
FORD and TRILLIAN sit discussing life and matter arising from
it.
INT. DENT'S WARDROOM
DENT enters wearing a robe and drying his hair with a towel,
which is still wet from his shower. He picks up the GUIDE
and presses a few buttons.
GUIDE
Towels. A towel is about the most
massively useful thing an
interstellar hitchhiker can have.
Partly, it has great practical
value. You can wrap it around you
for warmth as you bound across the
cold moons of Jaglan Beta. You can
lie on it on the brilliant marble
sanded beaches of Santraginus V,
inhaling the heady sea vapors. You
can sleep under it beneath the
stars which shine so redly on the
desert world of Kakrafoon, use it
to sail a miniraft down the slow,
heavy River Moth, wet it for use in
hand-to-hand combat, wrap it around
your head to ward off noxious
fumes, wave it in emergencies as a
distress signal, and, of course,
dry yourself off with it if it
still seems to be clean enough.
More importantly, thought, the
towel has immense psychological
value. For some reason, if a strag
(that is, non-hitchhiker) learns
that a hitchhiker has his towel
with him, he will automatically
assume that he is also in
possession of a toothbrush,
washcloth, soap, tin of biscuits,
flask, compass, map, ball of
string, gnat spray, wet weather
gear, space suit, et cetera, et
cetera. Furthermore, the strag
will then happily lend the
hitchhiker any of these or a dozen
other things that the hitchhiker
might have accidentally "lost".
What the strag with think is that
any man who can hitchhike the
length and breadth of the Galaxy,
rough it, slum it, struggle against
terrible odds, win through and
still know where his towel is, is
clearly a man to be reckoned with.
DENT looks down at his towel with newfound respect.
ZAPHOD (O.S.)
(Over the intercom)
Hey Eathman? You hungry, kid?
DENT
Er, well, yes, a little peckish, I
suppose.
ZAPHOD (O.S.)
(Over the intercom)
Okay, baby, hold tight. We'll take
in a quick bite at the Restaurant
at the End of the Universe.
THE END